The Poison Apple
by Max Rasgar
Summary: It's not a rule that you have to read over the entire menu but it sure is fun or at least it can be. The bottom of the menu reads: 'Ordering Instructions: Shout out the name or number of the brew of your choice to your server of choice'. "Beer me!" Jane says loudly as she sits down at the bar.
1. 1Nite

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters that appear in this story. And it should go without saying that there ain't no money coming my way by doing this.

A/N: The story that follows is for fun and is a solid AU. The characters (and the cameo characters) won't be exactly as they were on the show and you'll see why fairly quickly. That also means I won't be rehashing any of the show's timelines, disasterpieces, shitty love interests (because you can't polish a turd no matter how hard you scrub it) or anything else that will get in the way of said fun. Enjoy yourselves or not?

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 **_#ThePoisonApple_**

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 _ **#1Nite**_

"Pass some I.D. through the drawer please."

Jane scoffs at the request and the awaiting metal drawer open in front of her. Still she reaches into her inner jacket pocket and pulls out a small wallet, "What? I got 'cop' tattooed on my face or something? Or is this your way of telling me I look that young?"

"It's the law in this great state since we serve alcohol." A voice announces through the speaker cut into the two-way glass. "That and you know I'm pretty sure the owners want to keep their liquor license."

Jane nods and takes out her driver's license and tosses it into the drawer. The drawer snaps closed and for a few minutes there's only a kind of silence. That is if you don't count the sounds of the traffic on the street and the low hum of the off-white fluorescent lighting burning over Jane's head.

"The rules for entry are simple; tell me your color preference when I give you the options and then I'll give you a number. And well...the rest is pretty self-explanatory when you get inside, but in the end this is just what you would call a liberal establishment."

Jane's forehead wrinkles at her reflection in the two-way glass, "What kind of place is this any way that has you sitting behind a two-way mirror?"

"Red means: 'Taken'. Yellow means: 'Taken but willing'. Green means: 'Single'." The male voice intones through the silver speaker poking out of the glass like a growth. "If you see someone who does it for you can give their number to a server and a message that will show on all the screens in the club. Or you can punch in their number and the message on one of the pay kiosks at any of the tables or booths."

Jane shifts her weight from left to right. So much for a simple night out but at least on the plus side it's not like there was a line to get in this place. It's just supposed to be a bar not some loud thumping club or some wannabe Studio 54 revival.

"You got it? So you game or not?"

"Yeah, I'm game." Jane stuffs her hands in the front pockets of her jeans and rocks back on her heels. "Gimme a green tag."

The man behind the glass neatly writes the next number in line based on the current in-going headcount with a black Sharpie pen on a green sticker tag, "That'll be ten bucks."

"I thought this place had no charge?"

"That's only for the day hours when this is just a bar." The metal drawer slides open and Jane reaches in to get her driver's license back. "After ten you gotta drop a ten to get in."

Jane puts her driver's license back into her wallet and then replaces her wallet back inside the inner pocket of her jacket, "Cute rhyme. You think that one up all by yourself?"

"Nah, it was me and one other guy after we had a few."

"That's funny." Jane pulls out some folding money and then hands over a crinkled ten dollar bill with two dog-eared ends and places the bill into the waiting slide-out metal drawer. The drawer snaps shut again. "So is this like your warm-up gig for later when it's open mic at this place?"

"Nope, I'm sorry to tell you that this is the last time you'll be seeing me." The man behind the glass says with a grin as he takes the tall and outrageously good-looking woman's money. Why she's single is a mystery to him but at least she wasn't lying about her relationship status. The man behind the glass puts the requested green tag with #76 scrawled on it in the drawer and then shoves it open. "Welcome to The Poison Apple...enjoy your evening."

In the daylight hours it's just a bar called 'Tankard's' so apparently everything so far is true. Jane reaches inside the drawer again and pulls out a plain green sticker the size of those 'Hello, my name is' nametag stickers with a white strip. But there is no Hello greeting just a number on the white strip and Jane's assigned number is seventy-six for the night.

Jane is tempted to not bother with the damn thing. But with a slight grimace Jane tears off the backing on the sticker and then sticks it on her jacket over her heart. The wall or rather now a door to the right of Jane buzzes and slides open like an elevator door as the overhead lighting turns red. Jane wonders if she's now entering the red-light district or if she's about to feel like Deckard from Blade Runner when he goes into the club looking for Zora.

Never mind Jane's thinking earlier that this place was some closeted 54 upstart. Now it's looking more like a modernized speakeasy style joint with this secret entrance; only they're not hiding the fact that they sell booze. Jane steps into the red lit corridor and walks roughly eight feet before she's faced with another sliding door that opens to the sounds of passable music, conversation and more themed lighting. As Jane walks into the decent sized crowd of people it's hard not to notice that everyone is attractive for the most part.

That's not too unusual in Jane's opinion though since some clubs have policies about the type of people they let in. This one apparently has a 'no one under an eight' in the looks department allowed or something to that effect. Jane tugs on the cuffs of one of her nicer blazers. These days Jane does make an effort to dress better now that she doesn't have to worry about other cops getting it into their head that she's on the 'take' or whatever. That and as a Fed there is a dress code to maintain and it doesn't condone a different colored T-shirt for everyday of the week.

Jane struts towards the bar with a pleasant smile on her face because there is no overly loud music she's gotta scream over to be heard. The hard to miss feature of the place, so far, is the menu which is a huge ass screen. As Jane glances over the menu her smile dims down to a grin before it finally fades as her eyebrows scrunch together.

'99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' Menu:

1\. Abbey Normal

2\. Alimony Ale

3\. Anti-Hero

4\. Arrogant Bastard

5\. Ass Clown

6\. Bad Elf Ale

7\. BallSmack!

8\. Barely Legal

9\. Bitch Please

10\. Big Beaver

11\. Big Cock

12\. Big Tiddy Assassin

13\. Black Cock

14\. Blind Pig

15\. Blithering Idiot

16\. Brown Shugga'

17\. ButtFace

18\. Butterfly Flashmob

19\. Cactus Queen

20\. Camel Toe

21\. Canturbury Cream Ale

22\. Captain Kickass

23\. Cats Piss

24\. Chocolate Starfish

25\. Chunky Girl

26\. Collars-N-Cuffs

27\. Cornholio

28\. Cougar Bait

29\. Daisy Cutter

30\. Damm Classic

31\. Dark Lord

32\. Dead Guy

33\. Demon

34\. Doggie Style

35\. Double Chin

36\. Dragon's Milk

37\. Druid Fluid

38\. Dry Humpkin

39\. Dubbel D's

40\. Duck Duck Gooze

41\. Effinguud

42\. El Diablo

43\. Evil Dead Red

44\. Evil Twins

45\. Evil Queen Fire

46\. Fancy Lawnmower

47\. Fat Squirrel

48\. Fat Weasel

49\. Forever Unloved

50\. Fucking Hell

51\. Fuggles Imperial

52\. Fuzzy Baby Ducks

53\. Gandhi-Bot

54\. Genghis Pecan

55\. Golden Newt

56\. Golden Shower

57\. Good Chit

58\. Good Ryebrations

59\. Hairy Beanbag

60\. Happy Ending

61\. Haulin' Oats

62\. Henry's Root Beer

63\. Hibernation Ale

64\. Hobgoblin

65\. Hoppy Blonde

66\. Horny Devil

67\. Horse Piss

68\. ill Tempered Gnome

69\. In-Heat Wheat

70\. Immortal Ale

71\. Java The Nut

72\. Judas Yeast

73\. Jumping Cow Ale

74\. Kangaroo Love

75\. Kiss My Face

76\. La Belle

77\. Little King's Cream Ale

78\. Left Hand

79\. Loose Cannon

80\. Lumpy Gravy

81\. Mad Elf

82\. M.I.L.F

83\. Mephistopheles

84\. Moaning Myrtle

85\. Money Shot

86\. More Cowbell

87\. Morning Glory

88\. Motor Boat

89\. Mother's Milk

90\. Muffin Top

91\. Mustache Ride

92\. Nacho Punch

93\. Naked Evil

94\. Nugg E. Fresh

95\. Nugget Nectar

96\. Nut Sack

97\. Old Chub

98\. Old Engine Oil

99\. Old Horizontal

100\. Old LegHumper

101\. Old RingWorm

102\. Old ThunderPussy

103\. Panty Peeler

104\. Parabola

105\. Parking Violation

106\. Pearl Necklace

107\. Pecker Wrecker

108\. Pepperation H

109\. Plead The 5th

110\. Poisoned Apple Cider

111\. Polygamy Porter

112\. Pork Slap

113\. Quadrupel Penetration

114\. Queens Lager

115\. Raging Bitch

116\. Rebellion Blonde

117\. Red Wolf

118\. Roach Fart

119\. Rumpkin

120\. Samuel Jackson

121\. Sausage Fest

122\. Scorned Hooker

123\. Sextacula

124\. Sex Viking

125\. SheepShaggers

126\. Sit On My Face

127\. Smooth Hoperator

128\. Smuttynose

129\. Soft Dookie

130\. Substance Abuse

131\. Taint Town

132\. Tart Of Darkness

133\. Three Sheets

134\. Threesome

135\. Tramp Stamp

136\. UB40

137\. Undead Party Crasher

138\. Unicorn Killer

139\. Utopias

140\. Vampire Blood

141\. Vanilla Ice

142\. Velvet Merkin

143\. Vergina

144\. Vertical Epic

145\. Voodoo Doughnut

146\. Wailing Wench

147\. Wet Dream

148\. Whiskey Dick

149\. Wicked Ale

150\. Wizard Sleeve

151\. WoolyBack

152\. Yeastus Christ

153\. Yellow Snow

154\. Yeti

155\. Yippie Rye Aye

156\. You Will Fail Ale

157\. Zombie Dust

It's not a rule that you have to read over the entire menu but it sure is fun or at least it can be. The bottom of the menu reads: 'Ordering Instructions: Shout out the name or number of the brew of your choice to your server of choice'. There is a man behind the bar and even with his back to Jane she sees that he's dressed in what has to be a good old fashioned vest and long sleeve white shirt combo. For a second Jane finds it odd that other than the bartender no one is at the bar but her.

"Beer me!" Jane says loudly as she sits down at the bar.

The bartender turns around and he is a man in his forties, stocky-ish but he attempts to grin at Jane rather boyishly, "Sure...what's the number or the name of your poison, milady?"

Jane grimaces because being called milady is barely one-step above being called ma'am, "Alright...oh, so many choices and they all sound so much fun."

Jane's eyes zero in on #113 or otherwise known by name as 'Quadruple Penetration' which sounds all kinds of stuffed and painful if your mind is dirty enough. But seriously just who in the hell would order that? Or how about that #12 'Big Tiddy Assassin' is respectively sandwiched between a beer called 'Big Cock' and another called 'Black Cock'. Jane rolls her eyes as she scans further down the menu. The only beer that Jane knows would be the shit, as in good shit, is #139. But a Sam Adams Utopias is some damn expensive good ass shit.

"I'll try a number #79."

"Oooh, so close!" The bartender makes a face and claps his hands together. "Man, I thought for a second there you were gonna order your number."

"My number?"

"Yeah, the one on that tag there near your chest area." The bartender points to Jane's green tag with its #76 written in Steve's neat freak scrawl. Pete schools himself not to look at the hot tall drink of water's boobs too much since she's probably the punch first and ask questions later type. "But hey, that's cool going another way and we have that in stock. So, one classy German brewed 'La Belle' coming right up."

Pete turns around and starts tapping on a small screen that lights up in red. Jane looks around briefly. The crowd isn't really paying much attention to the bar itself. The main focus seems to be out on the dancefloor but whatever is going on isn't enough to spark Jane's interest for the moment.

"Say, why does your menu say '99 bottles' when you sell a hundred and fifty seven kinds of brew?"

"Oh, some beers are only available seasonally and some people make it a point to try all we have to offer. Not all in one night because I am licensed to cut you off at some point. But we occasionally have a few bottles of the rarer seasonal stuff but we always guarantee no less than having ninety-nine flavors in stock. Plus, it's a cheap gimmick and people love those. I mean why dare to be too original?"

Jane can't imagine wrapping her lips around and swallowing the contents of beer #102 'Old ThunderPussy' according to the red digital readout on the electronic menu.

"You are what you drink." The bartender says with a roguish smile. Jane resists the urge to roll her eyes; instead she reads his name tag: 'Pete'. "And to be honest one of my favorite perks of the job is people telling me their order. Some use the number but other's get a thrill out of saying some of those super fun names."

Pete leans closer to the bar and rests both hands on the bar top, "Most of the patrons find an easy laugh regularly in number sixty-nine on the menu."

Jane already saw that gem. And even though all the beer is listed alphabetically how hard up for a laugh do you have to be to put a craft beer called: 'In-Heat Wheat' as number sixty-nine?

"So this the place where people come to try on their funny-named 'beer goggles'?"

"Yeah, people come here to hook-up but there's nothing sinister at work here. It's not like we tell you to pick out a safe word with your matching number before going to one of the backrooms. You have to have a membership first and recent STI test results."

"You'd better be kidding."

Pete smiles, "I am."

"What the hell is this place then?"

"How much about your life do you remember, Jane?'

"Enough to wonder how you know my name when I haven't said it."

"Relax, I'm just trying to ease you into it."

"What do I need eased into?"

"That you're a character on a television show that's been canceled for a while now."

"Really? That's your way of easing into it. And I call bullshit by the way."

"Where? Cause I don't see any shit?" Pete laughs but Jane isn't having it. "We're in the club up in here and I don't want to ruin my gators."

"Do people really let you walk around thinking that you're funny?"

"No, not really but you can't blame a girl for tryin'." Pete is smiling like the overgrown man-child he very much is. "Look, I was on a TV show too and it's been over three years now since everything ended and the last thing I remember is my partner who would never want me was doing exactly that. Wanting me. But when I woke up here, I guess that's a good way to say it, Myka was with HG the person she belongs with and damn if all the shippers weren't right."

"Shippers? Really? Okay, what are you on?"

Pete shrugs because he already told her the truth whether she believes it or not, "You're missing the best part of this place Jane."

"Yeah, what's that?"

"Here you can be with the one you choose not the person some writer thought it would be best to saddle you with." Pete smiles and winks at Jane. "Caskett, isn't even canon here like it was on the TV show. See, the actor also played Malcom Reynolds on Firefly so there's a monopoly. Mulder and Skully keep going back and forth from here to back to the show. People really have an endless appetite for X-Files no matter how much time goes by. But Dana and Fox hate how their appearance keeps changing now because the actors have aged."

"Ma, has finally driven me crazy! I'm doped up in a some psycho ward!"

"Afraid not. This is your life Jane Rizzoli; character retirement."

"No! I was going to Paris with Maura and then I was going to start my new job with the FBI!"

"Really? And how are both of those things working out for you?"

Jane's strong jaw works open and then closed a few times as she tries to recall what she did yesterday or even last week. Nothing comes to mind except what she's done in the past.

"Fuck!"

The bartender smiles and sticks out his hand over the bar, "Hi, I'm Pete Lattimer. I was written as screw-up Secret Service Agent with clingy mama's boy abandonment issues and then I became a Warehouse Thirteen Agent with all the same baggage."

Jane just stares at Pete's extended meat hook of a hand before taking it on auto-pilot. His handshake is as real as far as Jane can tell. Pete lets go of her hand and Jane's just kind of hovers in the air before it drops on the bar.

"Yeah, it's a lot to take in but I got good news for you."

Jane is confused more than a little. How does a person process that they're not real? Shit this is worse than trying to make sense of The Matrix movies. It's twenty years later and Jane still has no fucking clue what those movies were about other than they had some cool looking violence and Trinity. But hey maybe she'll bump into Neo tonight and ask what's up.

"Hey, hey, hey." Pete waves his hand in front of Jane's faraway expression and Jane slaps his hand. Pete makes a face because yep this woman is a bit like Myka; she be hittin' on him too. "Maura is here and she's been waiting on you."

"What?"

"Maura is here."

Jane narrows her eyes at what she now considers to be a smiling jackass behind the bar, "And?"

"Don't you wanna finally get with her? Nobody is going to judge you here. And oops girlfriend there is no Casey Jones to get in the way or Dr. Ian. I know you hated him. Only beloved characters live on in this plane of existence. I think it's fueled by fanfiction personally which I'm glad for. Lots of people were super pissed when Pyka happened. It really wasn't my idea and if I could've kept it from happening I would've. Kissing Myka is like kissing my sister and I'm so not into that."

"Pyka? Just what in the actual fuck is that?"

"A ship name. Your's and Maura's is Rizzles by the way." Pete says as nonchalantly as can be; like he's telling Jane it's going to be sunny tomorrow. "Xena and Gabby are everyone's fave uber power couple for the last several years running. They both have many skills." Pete laughs and slaps his hand down on the bar top. "Hey, I just remembered the time in season two you told Frost in your sexy voice that you had mad skills."

"My what?"

"Oh come on? That thing you do where you speak lower and sexier. You know I could never tell if you were doing it just to be funny or because you were trying to see if you could get another kind of rise out of someone."

Jane makes a face, "Well then let me help you out I wasn't trying to be...sexy. Much less with Frost. He was like another younger brother but better than the younger brother's I have."

"He's here too Jane." Pete says with a fond smile and he bunches up the bar rag in his hands. Jane's fictional brothers aren't popular characters, they both were kissing Maura, and hence they aren't here. Angela Rizzoli is though but she's off on another storyline with Korsak. Jane will hate that when she finds out. "Barry Frost is beloved too. You might see him here tonight if you stick around long enough. Barry and Maura usually come in together every so often."

Jane swallows roughly and her eyes are watering, dammit. She can see Frost again. He didn't really die in a car accident? It feels too good to be true. Jane has so much she wants to tell him but if her life was no more than entertainment then he probably already knows everything. Pete seems to have watched her show and how exactly does that work?

"So how do or did you see...the show I was on?"

"Duh, a television. Your show 'Rizzoli & Isles' is in syndication."

Jane taps her fingertips on the bar in a random pattern, "So it works like the television I watched in my fictional life?"

"We're characters." Pete shrugs and squints his eyes in annoyance like Jane is making his head hurt from overthinking the scenario. "I was cooked up out of thin air but you come from a best-selling crime novel series. And you pretty much don't appear how you're described in the books. But you and me and all the other characters we'll always look like the actors that played us on TV."

Pete eyes go wide as does his smile, "Dude, I finally met Buffy Summers the other day!" Jane looks unimpressed and that just sucks so Pete's smile turns upside down. "So this place is just a kind of rest-stop while what goes on outside these walls is more of a choose your own adventure thing...most of the time."

Jane scans the bar again and yeah she can see it now. All those faces that seem familiar. She's a canceled TV show character. Her dreams have been weirder and scarier. God, this is like a version of The Matrix or something.

"I could really use that beer now."

"Oh my bad! We have that in stock by the way." Pete's frown disappears as he goes back to the screen and taps in the number and then the perfectly chilled bottle pops out from a drawer under the screen. "Sorry, to make you wait but I wasn't sure you still wanted it."

"You better believe I want it now. I want it more than I've wanted anything I think."

Pete pops the cap off the long neck and then hands the bottle to Jane, "You sure about that?"

Jane scowls but takes the beer from Pete. The perfectly chilled beverage goes down smooth. Jane wonders how much of a tab she can rack up to at least get shit-faced in this dream.

With her beer nearly half gone Jane sets the bottle down on a coaster, "Hey, where's your partner? Myka right."

Pete smiles a little sadly, "Yeah, she moved on to another setting with HG but they visit every once and a while. Right now they're off living one of those sexy adventure type deals without the 'Danger, Will Robinson!' part. And probably having sex too on every available surface that's comfortable for at least ten minutes."

Jane would've done one great spit take if she'd had a mouthful of beer, "HG?"

"On our show HG Wells was a very hot Victorian era woman." Pete mimes the shape of a woman or rather a voluptuous hourglass while his lips pucker. "I got to make-out with her first though."

"The HG Wells?"

"Yep, she was a super villain at first with a saucy British accent to boot but with deeper motives that came from an unimaginable hurt. She was locked in bronze for over a hundred years with only her thoughts to keep her company." Pete starts twirling the bar rag in his hands. He's one step away from miniature towel snapping someone. "It sucks what the show did to her character for the sake of plot. Talk about pain and angst. Holy shit, it was enough to drown in lemme tell ya! Myka saved HG though and they fell in love. But the writers and producers wouldn't let that actually happen on the show where people could see."

Jane has never really given much thought about her sexuality. The only time it was addressed was with Maura before the undercover gig at the lesbian bar. Jane has just slept with guys here and there for no good reason but at least now she has a clue as to why that possibly is.

"Who, um...who are you with?"

"Steve."

"Who's that?"

"The guy who gave you your entry number."

"You're gay?"

"Nah, not really." Pete kind of shrugs and waggles his hand back and forth. "And we don't use those labels here. I consider myself more open-minded and besides Steve is a great guy. We've talked about possibly having an open relationship when Scandal gets canceled and that fairy tale show. I'm a fool for Olivia Pope and Regina Mills." Pete smiles, raises a finger in the air and then licks the tip of his pointer finger and makes a sizzling noise. "Those two are the hottest of the hot and I still love boobs and Steve knows that's not going to change about me. We'll always get along even though he didn't used to laugh at my jokes but he does now. I'm the pitcher by the way if you know what I mean."

Jane's eyes are wider than they've ever been, "Thanks for sharing."

"No problem." Pete smiles and fidgets with his towel again. Pete's met Maura Isles and he thinks she's great. Pete even put the moves on her a little to see if she would bite but she didn't. "So are you gonna hook-up with your LLBFF?"

Jane should be listed in to the dictionary as a part of the definition of the word: 'reluctant'. Although, 'stubborn' would suffice too. At any rate Jane feels that her world has crashed into an ocean of lies so who's to say now is the best time to turn the corner she was scared shitless of. Maura Isles isn't for the faint of heart and that's meant to be taken as a compliment.

"Answer me something." Jane begins as she tries to peel the label off her seriously good tasting German beer. The label doesn't want to yield to her nimble fingers though. "Why all the production to get in? And all the other stuff Steve hinted at if we're all just walking-talking fictional characters?"

Pete smirks, "Every story has to start somewhere now doesn't it? And you're Detective Jane Clementine Rizzoli." Pete straightens up and puffs out his chest. Jane suddenly wants to punch him for thinking it's acceptable to just blurt out her middle name. "So how else were you supposed to find your way here for the first time? You needed something suspicious. A lot of people do to get their attention."

"Why are you here?"

"I'm a fictional character too, duh. And I'm stuck looking like this if that's not enough."

Jane rolls her eyes, "Why do you stay in this bar?"

Pete frowns a little since Jane just spoke to him like he's five and slow, "Why not? I get to meet people. I have a near endless supply of free beer without worrying about beer gut. We all do as for as that goes. Some of the beer is seasonal but I don't really get why that is?"

"And just how many beers has Maura Isles drank, Pete?"

For one reason alone the thought of Maura ordering #124 a.k.a 'Sex Viking' is funny to Jane because of the case they worked. Leave it to Maura to know about Viking dwarves and then manage to work it into conversation.

"None actually. She prefers wine as you and I both know." Pete grins and pulls down on the front tail of his vest which is fitting a little tight. Pete feels more bloated than he normally does since today is one of his fat days. "So that's why she goes to the wine bar around the way for a drink. They don't have a menu as fun as the one here though."

But of course Dr. Sommelier would have to find the non-chalkiest wine available in whatever the hell kind of place this is. Jane hasn't been convinced this isn't some kind of drunk mind fuck she's having; she's been playing along.

"But you said Maura comes in here."

"Yep." Pete smiles at what's going to be good. It has to be. "And heads up she's coming this way. So look sharp Detective McBadass."

"Very funny." Jane picks up her bottle of beer and drains what's left of it. The urge to belch is there but Jane stifles it as she sits the empty bottle down. "Can I get another?"

"Only if I can join you." Jane would know that voice anywhere just like the weight of the presence she now feels behind her. "I've been waiting for you."

Jane closes her eyes and prays, yes prays that she'll wake up. But when Jane opens her eyes a few seconds later she's still in a bar with stupid ass beer names that are in fact funny.

"Please turn around? I used to be your best friend or rather I hope I still am." Maura says as she tentatively places her hand on Jane's shoulder. "I found the truth unsettling too but then I remembered that none of the awful things I went through for what was entertainment value were real. But the one thought that brought a smile to my face was you. I've missed you."

Jane swivels around on her barstool and smiles. She doesn't have to be hardass anymore and she certainly isn't feeling what she wouldn't hesitate to call homophobic. And if Pete isn't completely full of shit then maybe everything is alright even if none of it was real. Maybe nothing at all at any given time is real. But as Maura's hand slowly slides off her shoulder and Maura reaches for her hand Jane quickly finds she doesn't give a shit about real.

"I've missed you too, Dr. Smartypants."

Pete clears his throat loudly and Jane turns slightly to glare at him. Pete smiles at one of his favorite ships reunited, "Hey, um...hi! Don't mean to interrupt but I just remembered and since you're new; Jane you may want to watch out for Bo the succubus and her girlfriend Dr. Lauren Lewis. They usually show up on Wednesdays which would be now. Maura knows who I'm talkin' about, right?"

"Hello, Pete and thank you but I'll watch after Jane." Maura says sweetly and Jane is two seconds away from asking what the hell a succubus is. "Actually, I hope Bo and Lauren stop in. Dr. Lewis is rather brilliant and last week we talked at length while Bo was feeding."

If it weren't for Maura holding onto her Jane would so be in the bathroom or something splashing anything but the water in the toilet on her face to wake up.

Pete clicks his tongue and winks at Maura, "Good looking out. So you feel like trying a brew tonight, Doc?"

"Maybe? What did you have Jane?"

"La Belle." Jane says while lacing her fingers with Maura's. Jane never thought she would actually get to do that again. The first and last time was the day they worked that building collapse. "But for you and your taste buds Maur I would go with a Utopias."

Maura grins, "Pete I'll try a #139, please."

"Aww, any chance one of these days you'll order #32 for laughs?"

"We'll see." Maura thinks Pete's childish glee is sweet and yes her ordering that beer would be funny given what her character did. "But are you sure you wouldn't want me to order a #143?"

Jane glances up at the menu and snorts a little at Maura's suggestion. Jane's not going to think too much about the innuendo implied. Maura's a doctor or a fake doctor and she's seen all kinds of vagina's and wangs.

"You're right, Doc. That could be funny too." Pete arches one eyebrow and slowly turns towards the touchscreen. "But we'll come back to that another time. I owe you a #139 first and another 'La Belle' for Jane unless you're feeling something else?"

Jane smirks, "How about a #50? It's all I'm thinking right now."

Jane has never smoked crack but when she worked in the drug unit she sold rock though dressed as the cheapest hooker a five minute nut could buy. And yet all this somehow feels worse and better than those days. It's only better because of Maura but Jane still wants to drain the bottle of craft beer called: 'Fucking Hell'.

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 **Soundtrack:** **"Call Me" by Blondie**

 **A/N 2: Half the fun of this opening is the list of craft beers. All but four of them are the real names for the 'flavors'. The ones I added for giggles can be picked out of the line-up if you're schooled in craft beer. I laughed so hard as I typed each and every one. And yeah this premise is crazy but fuck it I'm having fun. Not everything has to be a canon-compliant ode to angst that takes itself way too seriously.**


	2. 2 Legit 2 Quit

_**#2 Legit 2 Quit**_

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"I considered having sex with him once when I first arrived here."

Jane stops mid-sip to stare questioningly at Maura who threw her a curve when she sat down across from Jane instead of beside her, "Huh? I missed a step. Who are you talking about?"

"The bartender, Pete. But given his body size and his overall demeanor I surmised that he is an absolute missionary man." Maura takes a dainty sip of her Utopias which she insisted be poured into a stein. The taste is surprising and Maura likes it. She detects notes of fig, raisin and a vanilla caramel flavoring. "And it's not at all appealing to me to be crushed while a partner is attempting to pleasure me. Now, if I were to be allowed to be on top for the duration of the encounter then I would rethink my decision on having sex with Pete."

Jane groans under her breath and momentarily contemplates bashing her head into the nice shiny table of the rounded booth their sitting in now. Nothing's changed. Maura is still Maura and she still wants to have sex with passably buff morons. This has got to be hell. Jane takes a healthy draw on her hellishly fuckable beer. 'Fucking Hell' is kinda smooth going down.

What Jane clearly doesn't know in this moment is that Maura is messing with her. Maura doesn't find Pete attractive in enough ways to actually engage in coitus with him. Maura may not consider herself funny, at least not in the ways Jane can be, but Maura does thoroughly enjoy Jane's predictable exasperation on a particular subject. Sex.

"But in all honesty I would much rather have sex with you and no one else. I've thought that for some time now."

Jane coughs; the air went down too rough or something. Maybe she's just choking on her own spit. Or maybe 'Fucking Hell' isn't so smooth after all.

"Does the thought of having sex with me upset you still?"

"No, it's just what's the point? Can we even get off? And why do you want me to get you off so bad?"

"Badly." Maura takes another longer sip of her beer before sitting it down on the table of the booth. "I've corrected you on that adverb on three separate occasions."

Jane rolls her eyes, "Okay, I'm confused. First you said you'd been waiting for me. That you missed me. Gave me some eye sex. And now you're re-thinking your stance on if you want to have sex with a bartender?"

Maura sighs because Jane's observation is accurate and yes she's not willing to admit how nervous she is. Blurting her errant thoughts tends to happen in such scenarios. Maura had gone over how she would confess herself to Jane but the archetype she built up in her thoughts isn't possible anymore even in a land of fiction populated by fictional characters. Irony is everywhere.

"You seemed so happy to see me Jane but that's gone apparently."

"No, I'm thrilled to see you but it's all...all this and you saying you want me to what? Get down on my knees and eat you out until you tell me to stop?"

Maura flushes with two things and it's not two thousand flushes; it's a dose of arousal and smattering of anger. Maura stepped out a tiny bit on a long branch and the last thing she wants is to be ridiculed for her hesitance in the name of self-preservation.

"Jane, I do not want to engage in casual sex with you." Maura means what she says but she also wouldn't waste a moment to let Jane do exactly that to her as many times as she could stand. "You see I've stupidly believed that you love me as I love you."

There Maura said it yet again but this time those three words are not just words on a page for a scene. But fiction still has its place with Maura who has so many fantasies she wants to indulge in. One in particular involves Jane in a leather corset and nothing else; those long fingers holding tightly onto the bed's headboard as Maura uses her favorite strap-on to pleasure Jane from behind. Maura feels herself getting wet at the thought of sharing such an experience with the only person she genuinely loves. Her character's lovers on the show were a writer's idea not Maura's.

"I look at this setting, if you'll forgive the pun, as an opportunity to put the world right so to speak." Maura gestures around at the perfectly lit bar that highlights everyone's physical attributes perfectly. "That is unless you don't want to sleep with me. Then I suppose we can go our separate ways just as the show most likely intended with the ending they wrote. It was pandering in my mind; having you follow me to Paris and to what end?"

Jane's wheels are spinning. Maura loves her for real. Jane has unknowingly ordered another German beer and for a couple of seconds she regards the green label on the beer; it's little angelic cherub and directly beneath it is it's dark half. Jane smirks as she picks up the beer and tips more of it into her mouth. The taste is pretty decent to her; a kind of honey favoring and something else. Jane doesn't have much of a palette and she's cool with it. To be honest Jane isn't tasting the beer its more of having something to occupy her hands and mouth with while her mind is over-working itself on the woman across the way.

"I do wish you wouldn't drink so much now. We won't age anymore unless the actresses who played us revive our characters like what's happening with Dana and Fox. But you know what I find most interesting? That as long as I've been here I haven't had a single bowel movement so that would suggest to me that eating and drinking are merely behavioral patterns here."

Jane would laugh normally and tell Maura she's a cyborg for real this time. But for some reason she's never thought about Maura having to take a dump and that image is fucking with her as much as Maura and her many levels of the L-word. And according to Maura, since she's been monitoring her bowels, there is no stocking the lake with brown trout here. Which brings Jane to her next quandary as Maura the super-nerd would call it: what good are bathrooms in this place?

"So we go from talking about sex and love to you being fascinated with being constipated?"

Maura frowns a bit, "I'm not constipated. And you aren't listening to me."

"No, I heard you loud and clear, Maur. We're not real people therefore we don't need to eat or shit. Drinking is optional though. And you love me."

Jane punctuates her statement with another long pull from her beer. Yes, Jane is avoiding and why not? Is Jane just supposed to throw herself at Maura because there's nothing standing in the way anymore? Jane is aware there isn't any reason not to and there never was but where's the fun in that? Doesn't Maura like her women to play hard to get? Jane instantly arrives at the conclusion that there isn't a damn difference between dating either sex but the obvious body parts thing.

"What I don't get is how you're so damn calm about this? I mean I know you meditate and all but shit Maura we aren't real people in this dream or whatever kind of hallucination this is that I'm trapped in."

"Would you find it more comforting if I were to behave more irrational?"

Jane frowns, "Very funny."

"It just made perfect sense to me when Helena told me."

"Who's Helena?"

Maura dislikes being interrupted but for Jane she'll let it slide for now, "Oh, Pete calls her HG all the time. She's a fictional account of HG Wells and the writers thought it would be a twist to make her female."

"Yeah okay, I know who you're talking about now." Jane takes a smaller sip of her rapidly dwindling beer. "Sorry, continue."

"Like I was saying it was an acceptable premise when Helena explained it to me."

"How's that?"

"I asked to see a TV and the show my character is on. I saw it and some other shows that the actress who." Maura searches for an appropriate word. "Whose physical characteristics I now share; has done in the past. And the more I watched I realized that the only memories I have are what was written for my character. The subtext between us though is the most compelling part."

"Sub what now?"

"Clearly, the actors who brought our characters to life and put a face to us literally weren't attracted to one another." Maura reaches for her beer. "But you and I are attracted to each other and they chose to play up that aspect for a certain demographic to guarantee successful ratings across many groups of viewers." Maura raises the stein to her mouth but pauses. "I believe it's called 'queer-baiting'."

As Maura takes a longer drink of her beer it's then that Jane notices Maura's sticker; she too is wearing a green tag and her number is #97. The tag is on her covered cleavage and Jane is thankful for that. No outfit hides the fact that Maura is well-endowed and Jane has always had a hard time keeping her eyes up. It's the one thing that would make Jane the maddest about herself. Jane could never keep from ogling Maura. And yeah Maura has her number and has called her out; Jane is attracted to her. Duh.

Maura smiles at the pleasant taste in her mouth and sits the nearly empty stein holding her yummy beer back down on the table. Jane isn't making eye-contact but it's quite obvious to Maura, based on Jane's body language, that Jane is frustrated and most likely aroused. The lip biting that Jane covers with her beer and the way Jane keeps making a fist with her non dominant right hand are her tells. Maura only chose to sit away from Jane to give her space to process. Maura is considering moving closer and then placing her hand high on Jane's thigh to see if that will make things more transparent.

"Are you playing hard to acquire?"

"It's playing hard to get, Maur."

"Whatever." Maura shrugs as a thoughtful look passes over her face and then fades. "I suppose it's acceptable; your behavior. But need I point out that we've been flirting and engaging in date-like scenarios for seven years now?"

Before Jane can say anything the kiosk at her's and Maura's booth lights up and for some reason Maura grins. Maura hasn't taken up any offers from other characters while waiting for Jane but that may change if not for anything other than to hurry Jane along. Maura doesn't condone jealous actions but sometimes everyone needs a push. The screen blanks to a flashing cursor before a message starts to appear: 'My number is #112 and I'm waiting at the bar if you're intrigued #76. I know I am.'

Maura's smile loses its luster, "Jane, you have an invitation at the bar from number #112."

"What? I don't actually want whatever beer #112 is."

"Not a beer. A person, Jane. Someone other than me is interested in you."

"Oh? Well, then what should I do?"

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane. This is one of Jane's less than desirable qualities; not knowing when to quit in certain situations. Teasing. Maura honestly believed that once she and Jane saw each other that everything would fall into place and be as it should. Maura has plenty of patience and she knows Jane loves trying her patience to its frayed ends when it gets there. And it does get there.

"Ignore the request and stay with me."

Jane smirks; she loves it when Maura says exactly what she wants, "Hmm, you love me that much huh? Even after all the shit I put you through?"

"Yes." Maura says succinctly and pushes her empty beer stein, save for some foam at the bottom, away and off to the side of the table. If she must be blunt to secure her chosen mate then so be it. "I don't know how much time you or I have in this plane of existence. Just like life as it were. I don't wish to waste any more time. I love you and I want you for as long as we have."

Jane is suddenly on the verge of tears but she's not going to cry. No fucking way, not here, not in some knock-off bar with a cheesy name. A name that by the way reminds her of Snow White and that hot Queen on that fairy tale show she would hate-watch when nothing else was on.

"Damn woman!" Pete shouts and Jane startles at Pete's mouth and sudden appearance. Pete holds up his hand close to Jane for a high-five but Jane leaves him hanging with a mighty scowl on her face. "Fine, so no fives from you. But I came over here to tell you that you're the boss in less than an hour I would say if we had clocks and if anyone gave a damn about time."

"Why are you here?"

"Oh! Dude! Beckett messaged you! SCORE! GOOOAAALLLL!" Pete's enthusiasm is admirable but for Jane it's just giving her the stirrings of a headache. "You know you have another ship called 'Kazzoli' right?"

Jane groans and rubs her forehead with her right hand, "You mean to tell me that Detective Kate Beckett from 'Castle' is here and she wants to have a drink with me?"

"Yeah, that's what I'm sayin' playa." Pete smiles and quickly looks to Maura with his smile still firmly in place. "No worries though, Maura. I told K-Beck that you and Jane are a package deal."

Maura tilts her head to the side thoughtfully, "Does Detective Beckett want a threesome?"

Pete's mind has just been blown. The image that just sprouted in his head of three of the hottest women he's seen in the last hour together all naked and stuff has melted his brain. Little Pete stirs down below and Pete smirks and quietly thanks Steve for suggesting that Pete wear his looser pants tonight. Steve knows all about Pete's fat days but unfortunately Pete only listens to Steve's advice half the time which is why his vest is too tight but his pants aren't, yet.

Unlike the new sub-species standing at the booth called horny Pete the bartender Jane is livid. First Maura seems unoffended by Giovanni's offer of a threesome and now here it is again. And once more here's Maura with that same tone in her voice and look on her face; she appears to be considering it. Jane clenches the beer bottle tightly in her hand. If Maura says 'that's nice' again Jane is going to do so much more than just play hard to acquire for the night before she finally plants a kiss on Maura.

Jane quits strangling her beer bottle so hard and drops her hand from her head and straightens up in her seat, "I said it once but I'll say it again...I'm NOT having a threesome."

"Not even with Kate Beckett if that's what she wants?" Maura says even though she doesn't want a threesome either since being with Jane would be more than enough. That and Maura isn't interested in sharing Jane in that capacity. "We did watch 'Castle' together and you seemed rather taken with her as was I."

"No, and that's my final answer Isles."

Pete looks back and forth between both women. They are so married just without the rings, papers and tax incentives. Pete would laugh if he was more daring but he already took a big chance running over here to press his luck more. But Pete does have a big stupid smile on his face that is the right shade of annoying to Jane now.

"Don't you have somewhere else to be, Pete?" Jane prompts before tightening her grip on her bottle of 'Fucking Hell' again that's damn near gone. "Beer to serve and boobs to none too subtly stare at?"

Pete laughs, "Giovanni is right you're funny and hawt."

Maura shakes her head and smiles at Jane who is giving Pete her best scary-mean face. That face used to break many a suspects on their show and people that Jane found irritating. Maura has always found said face adorable in a way but Maura is biased in her opinion since she finds Jane's facial structure extraordinary. And in regards to Jane's expressive face Maura can tell that Jane just ran out of beer.

"Thanks, I barely try."

Pete scrunches up his nose, "You're kinda meaner when you've had a few. So I'm cutting you off before you go all cave woman on me and hit me over the head."

Jane makes a face and pats down the front of her blazer with both hands, "Shucks, it must be your lucky night because it seems that I left my noggin-smashin' club in my other suit. So you don't need to cut me off."

"I don't believe you." Pete clicks his tongue and squints his eyes. "You should meet my bestie Myka. She already punches me a lot so you don't have to."

Maura laughs loudly and Jane forgets that she's kinda ruffled at the sound of Maura's laughter. Pete just smiles and quickly winks at Maura before he goes sprinting back across the room and presumably back to the bar. In less than a minute later the kiosk at Jane and Maura's booth lights up again with a sad-face emoji from person #112. Jane huffs and grabs the kiosk and turns it around to face the wall as if it was being bad and needed a time-out.

"Is it a New York Yankee thing?" Maura can't help but smirk at the sound of Kate Beckett's smooth drawl; she really does have a bedroom voice all the time. Maura covers her mouth to keep from laughing. "Or do you just like to keep people waiting?"

Maura catches Jane's eye roll before Jane plasters a plastic smile on her face as she turns in her seat to greet their newest visitor. Maura's smile is genuine as she looks over the statuesque woman standing at their booth. Maura would be lying if she were to attempt to tell someone that she didn't find Detective Beckett attractive. Kate is every bit as stunning as Jane is and Kate dresses better. But Jane does look particularly fabulous in the black pinstripe suit she's currently wearing.

"Hello, I'm Jane."

Kate takes Jane's offered hand and their handshake lingers slightly, "I know."

Maura's smile loses some of its shine because she suddenly realizes that now Jane will have no trouble securing a lover or several. There are no writers or producers to decide who is right for Jane and who isn't. Like Maura wasn't deemed as a potential romantic interest. Jane just has to get used to the fact that she has as many options as she wants now. Maura isn't alright with this revelation. Jane is far too attractive for her own good here.

"No, it's not a New York thing. I'm not that hardcore of a B-Sox fan." Jane says and at the same time it dawns on her how true that is. "I'm guessing that was a trait the writer's stuck on me or maybe the actress was a sports buff or something? Man, it's gonna take me a while to get used to saying that."

"Pete told me you just got here and learned the truth." Kate smiles as she holds her beer. Jane's eyes zero in on the bird themed label that says it's a 'Pecker Wrecker'. Jane also spots Kate's green 'single' sticker with #112 on it which was her precinct's number on her show. "Pete also told me that you two are together as in just got together."

Maura has already met Kate some time ago but Kate didn't come on to her much to Maura's disappointment. Maura wouldn't have minded a dalliance with Kate while waiting, hoping for Jane to show up.

"Hi, Maura."

"Kate."

One of Jane's dark eyebrows shoot up at Maura's tone, "I take it you two have chatted before?"

"Sharp work not really a Detective any more than I am. But we have." Kate grins before taking another sip of her beer. "Can I join you for a while?" Kate says smoothly but her question is posed more to Maura not Jane. "And I promise up-front that I'm just here for the company. Nothing more and besides you guys have a great view of the stage."

Maura nods and Kate grabs a chair from a nearby table and drags it to the end of the booth. Maura finds the act appealing because true to her word Kate isn't sitting next to Jane or Maura. At Kate's mention of a stage Jane only now notices the elevated stage and the young red-headed woman in the shadows with a guitar stepping up to the microphone. The lights come up and the young woman gives her audience a lop-sided smirk.

"Hi, my name is still Claudia and this is a song." The young woman says and the tone of her voice isn't what Jane was expecting. "If you don't know this song then there's something wrong with you and nobody can fix it. Not even me and I can fix a lot of things."

The hushed audience laughs and Jane feels her face morphing into what may be a smile? Jane spares a glance to Beckett and Maura before giving the young woman her full attention.

The opening chord on the acoustic guitar rings true for a second before Claudia mutes it with her palm, "Oh, before I forget this song is dedicated to the people numbers #76 and #97. Or the two reunited LLBFF's which is apparently a thing."

The interspersed chuckles float about the room and it takes second for Jane to realize that the red-head has just said the song is for her and Maura. Jane feels her face warm which is not something she likes much. Jane glances at Beckett who smirks and tips her bottle of 'Pecker Wrecker' in Jane's direction.

Claudia smiles and starts to strum on the strings of her trusty acoustic and then with a deep breath she begins:

"You're the best friend. That I ever had."

"I've been with you such a long time."

"You're my sunshine. And I want you to know."

"That my feelings are true. I really love you."

"You're my best friend."

Maura smiles widely; she has been treated to the musical stylings of Claudia Donovan before. Claudia was on the same show as Pete. She was an Agent of Warehouse 13 as well and the brilliant tech support and so much more as Claudia referred to herself.

Claudia lets loose a power chord and drops in with, "Ooh, you make me live."

Jane loves that it's a Queen song but all this attention being placed on her is a bit much. Jane is afraid to look at Maura but Jane sees that Kate is smiling and tapping her feet to the beat. Jane almost misses it when Claudia mutes her guitar with a thump of her palm again on the strings and starts snapping her fingers.

"I gotta be cool relax, get hip." The audience starts snapping their fingers in time along with Claudia. Kate is even doing it. "Get on my tracks. Take a back seat, hitch-hike. And take a long ride on Maura's motorbike until I'm ready. Crazy little thing called love."

Claudia does the low run on the bass on her acoustic and then swings back into the bouncy strumming chords as she begins again:

"You're the first one."

"This thing called love I just can't handle it."

"You know I'll never be lonely."

"This thing called love I must get around to it."

"You're my only one. And I really love the things you do."

"Crazy little thing called love."

"Ooh, you make me live. You, you're my best friend."

The clear ringing notes of Claudia's acoustic guitar fade along with her voice. Jane is clearly stunned. But the audience claps loudly and Beckett stands up and whistles with her fingers. Claudia grins and executes a decidedly cheeky curtsy before stepping back up close to the microphone.

"Hey, don't forget to tip Pete so he can take my best friend Laverne, I mean Steve, out someplace nice that's not the unisex strip club down the street."

The audience laughs and Beckett does as well while she sits back down in the chair she pulled up to the booth. Jane finally sneaks a look at Maura and she's beaming; that megawatt smile is enough to charm the socks off anybody. Jane clears her throat. After a serenade like that what the fuck is she supposed to do? Maura already said what she felt but now what? Jane immediately appreciates the irony that nothing is any different even with her being a fictional character and all that mess in this wacky dreamscape. Jane is swearing off TV for a while when she wakes up.

"Well, this isn't awkward at all?" Kate says with a grin before abruptly sitting her beer down on the table and standing up to retrieve the booths kiosk from the time-out Jane put it.

As Kate leans over the table Maura appreciates her bare and pleasingly toned arms. But as Maura glances over Kate at Jane and she catches a disapproving glare. Maura's bright smile disappears.

"I need another beer." Kate taps in the number #105. It's tacky as hell but the first beer she tried when she got here was 'Parking Violation'. Kate taps in a message and another two numbers that belongs to some friends who have arranged numbers like she does. "And since you two aren't all that talkative I'm going to see if my friends are here tonight."

Jane lets out a heavy sigh at the look Maura is giving her in return, "Okay, fine. I can be anti-social but it's nothing personal, Kate."

Kate grins as she slowly pulls the kiosk to the edge of the table and then moves in closer to Jane. Up close Jane sees similarities in Kate's eye color and Maura's. Kate really is a looker in Jane's opinion and she's got this dangerous edge. Beckett is too much woman for Castle.

"You have to forgive Jane, Kate." Maura says as Kate smirks and leans away from Jane and then sits back down in her seat. "I don't think Jane has fully realized that this is our reality now. Jane's very adept at denial. I should know."

Jane's eyes go wide again and her nostrils flare a little, "What's your problem, Maura?"

"My problem is we were just sung to and it was very romantic and sweet and you were embarrassed by it. Kate simply wanted to talk to you, perhaps more initially, but you've managed to alienate her."

"I have not! And hello, she's still right here watching you bitch at me!"

Kate is trying very hard not to laugh at these two. They're worse than how the writer's on her show wrote her and Castle for entertainment to the masses. But damn if these two are doing it all by themselves; there are no strings on them anymore.

"Kate if you'll excuse us." Maura takes a deep breath and slides out of the booth and stands. "Jane, will you come with me to the bathroom?"

Jane groans under breath and pushes her tongue into the side of her cheek, "Yeah, sure. We'll be back in a flush, Beckett."

Kate nods and as soon as Jane leaves the booth trailing after Maura Kate laughs. Jane is whipped, confused and about to get schooled in the women's room of a bar. Kate would pay perfectly decent money to see what's going to most likely happen. But then Kate feels a hand on her shoulder and she looks up to see Malcom and Inara. Kate still wants a threesome and honestly Captain Mal is far sexier and funnier than Richard Castle ever was. And Inara is a beautiful courtesan and a trained lover in ways that extend beyond sex. Tonight is going to be a very good night for Kate.

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 **Soundtrack: "Too Drunk To Fuck" by Dead Kennedys**

 **A/N: Thank you to everyone who left me a kind word. The response to this bit of fun is surprising to say the least. Clearly, this isn't my first Rizzles story but it is my first non one-shot going on four years with these two. I swore off Rizzles multi-chaps because I felt I had exhausted all I wanted to write about with them. But then this happened. Finally, to the nasty guest reviewer...guess what? This story isn't meant to be taken seriously. I said as much in my opening author's note or did you miss that while you were drinking on your hateraide?**


	3. Gimme 3 Steps

_**#Gimme 3 Steps**_

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Jane has been here before. Not just following Maura's lead for the old bathroom ruse but apparently being in the doghouse with her, yet again. Jane is willing to say that she seems to have that particular skillset of giving Maura's a case of the red ass on lock-down. Not that it's worth the bragging rights. Jane doesn't really see the people they pass. In fact Jane's trance lasts until the bar's lighting changes to that red-tinted shit again but with something extra. Jane easily spots the sign on the wall with an arrow indicating that his and her's bathrooms be that way.

Jane's eyes adjust to the change in light and it's then she realizes that her attention has been lagging or something or maybe it's just this crazy dream. But it's only now that Jane notices the way Maura's dressed and Jane vividly remembers the blue dress Maura's wearing. Sure Jane's eyes got caught on Maura's cleavage earlier like always but the dress Maura has one is the dress that really had Jane going. It's been years since she's saw it on Maura. The dress is a deep blue, tight and it looks like it was specially made for Maura.

Jane is so far into the pleasing visual in front of her that she runs into Maura's back, "Oopff, shit! I'm sorry!"

Aside from the slight roughness and the abrupt collision Maura isn't all at bothered with having Jane's hands on her person or Jane's lean form so close to her back, but as pleasing as it is having Jane so near Maura is still nonetheless mildly irritated with Jane though.

"The bathroom is occupied at the moment so we'll have to wait here."

Jane drops her hands from Maura's firm arms and steps back and sure enough clashing spectacularly with the red-light Jane sees the sign mounted on the wall over the door of the women's room. And good God, it's neon and looks exactly like something stolen from a cheap road-side roach motel proclaiming 'no vacancy'. Bates Motel is holding on line two; they want their sign back.

"That's a new one." Jane says while both of her eyebrows rise high on her forehead. "Just when you think you've seen every novelty in a bar something else comes along."

Maura turns around to face Jane and even in this brothel themed lighting Maura thinks Jane is just as gorgeous as ever. The new suit and a shirt with buttons is an improvement over those t-shirts Jane favored. Maura always loved it when Jane would clearly run out of t-shirts to wear and had to clothe herself in what few button-down shirts she owns. Maura isn't going to broach the subject of where she subsides as it were here with Jane until she's certain Jane is on plank, or is it board, that this is their reality now.

Jane considers leaning against the wall but then the door to the women's room buzzes loudly and the yellow neon sign flips to 'vacant' as the door forcefully swings opens. Then a small dark-haired woman with her hair pulled back into a low pony-tail comes barreling out with a smiling taller woman who also has long dark hair hot on her heels.

"Aww sweetie, what's a matter?"

"I told you to stop calling me that."

"You also told me to stop doing that thing with my tongue a few minutes ago because you get too loud when I do that special thing just for you."

The smaller woman stops and quickly pivots to face the taller woman behind her, "Do you ever shut up?"

"You know the answer to that, Sam."

"Don't call me that either." The smaller woman says with a grumble and scowl in spite of her rosy-cheeked face. "And just shut up and come on, Root. I need a drink after that."

"Hmm, I think I'll have a #60 then. I earned it."

"Who said I was getting you a beer too?"

"I did, sweetie." Root says with a smirk as she gently cradles Shaw's cheek in her hand which Shaw brushes away with the back of her hand. "Try and keep up with me."

Shaw turns away from Root with a frown as she moves towards Jane and Maura, "I keep up with you just fine, Root."

The taller woman smirks as she runs her hand down the wrinkled red sticker on her shirt that means 'Taken'. As she gets closer Jane notices that she doesn't have a number but the word 'irrelevant' scrawled across the white strip on her red sticker.

"You certainly do. But one of these days I feel like you're going to break my tailbone when you get extra rough with me, Sameen."

"Don't call me that either."

"Why not?" Roots says with a lop-sided smirk. Shaw simply turns and starts walking away; moving past Jane and Maura with her perpetual frown in place. Root on the other hand smiles as she passes by Jane and Maura following after her fleeing girlfriend. "Sweetie, calling out 'Shaw' all the time is boring!"

Maura laughs a little at the two other women while Jane tilts her head and has a sort of pause. Maura then witnesses Jane's unusually slow blinking. It lasts for almost a minute and Maura worries that something is wrong with her best friend and hopefully lover.

Jane gapes for another second and then hooks her thumb over her shoulder, "That was Root and Shaw."

"Who?"

"This real." Jane lowers her arm, wobbles on her feet just enough for her to have to reach out and use it to brace herself against the wall. "Holy shit, Maur."

Maura's face contorts into clear confusion, "You believe now because of those two women?"

"Well yeah, I watched 'Person of Interest' up until it ended."

If seeing two beloved characters from one of Jane's, clearly secret shows, was all it took to convince Jane this is their reality, then Maura would've produced some sooner. There was bound to be some others in the bar.

"Did we ever watch it together?"

"No, you wanted to watch 'Downton Abbey' all the time." Jane says sullenly and but then a wry smirk overtakes her face. "Speaking of good ole' Downton do you feel like you regularly use those psycho-tropey substances you went on about years ago when some of the characters from that show find their way here?"

Maura purses her lips and rolls her eyes at a now wildly smirking Jane, "I don't feel as if I've been using drugs when Violet Crawley, the Dowager Countess frequents the wine bar next door every Thursday and I happen to be there too."

Jane chuckles lowly, "I always knew she was your favorite on that show. You like a woman who speaks her mind and is feisty to boot."

Maura just grins as she turns away from Jane and goes to open the door to the bathroom. Maura knows that when you flip the lock from the inside the too bright overhead neon sign will change. Maura has only ever used the women's room for checking her make-up which stays flawless no matter what Maura does so she stopped attending to it. Maura has never gone to the bathroom here with anyone to have sex.

"I'll wait out here until you're done. I promise."

"No." Maura opens the bathroom door wider and indicates with a nod that Jane should know better at this stage in their relationship. "You will come in here with me so we can talk in private."

"I'm not coming in there with you."

Maura nearly chuckles at the innuendo that Jane isn't privy to yet, "Jane."

"No."

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane and waits. This tactic worked for Maura on their show so it stands to reason that it could possibly be effective here too. Jane remains firm but after a few more seconds Jane rolls her eyes and throws her hands up in the air.

"Fine! Let's go to the bathroom together like we're in elementary school. I'll fish your dress out of your tights if you do the same for me."

Maura thoroughly recognizes Jane's default setting of sarcasm. But Maura rather automatically recalls of the time they were fighting and Jane walking around the precinct with a long piece of toilet tissue hanging out of the back of her pants. Jane can be such a bitch sometimes and Jane seemed unfazed by that assessment when Maura said as much during their feud.

Jane pushes past Maura and Maura takes in the faint whiff of lavender. With her back to Jane Maura smiles as she closes and locks the door to the bathroom. Maura wouldn't mind having sex with Jane now. Maura's current irritated state would only heighten the encounter.

The non-red lighting in the bathroom is a drastic difference and Jane squints as she looks around the room. The place is clean and there's a toilet sitting out in the open; no point in pretending there's a thing called privacy in here. The walls are an off-white and kinda plain. The only other fixture in the surprisingly spacious room is a large mirror that covers an entire wall, an equally large and long countertop with one dinky sink basin. Jane kinda of turns around to glance behind her at the sound of Maura clicking the lock. Jane spots an Air dryer on the wall next to the door.

"So the idea of two women in love doesn't bother you?" Maura says as she turns around and moves towards Jane who is standing in the middle of the room looking like if there was a window she would be trying to crawl through it. "Seeing as how you had no problem with Root and Shaw being together as they so clearly are?"

Jane crosses her arms over her chest, "They were together on the show Maur."

"What?"

Maura is more than aware of the disparity of variety on television shows in regards to persons that practice 'alternative lifestyles' as it's politely called. Maura was pleased to find out in this plane of existence that labels assigned to a person's sexuality are a non-issue.

"It was canon on the show, Maur. It started with Root tasering and then threatening Shaw with an iron. And I hate to summarize their story but they went through hell and stood by each other. You have to respect that kind of loyalty. Love."

Jane played ignorant with Pete earlier to a degree. She knows damn well what shipping is and it hasn't got a thing to do with UPS.

"And spoiler alert, since you wouldn't watch POI unless you wanted to scientifically pick it apart, but Root dies in the end. And before that Sameen was captured by Samaritan and was put through over six thousand seven hundred and forty-two simulations where it always ended with her shooting herself in the head in front of Root instead of killing her and then leading Samaritan to the Machine."

Maura gasps and silently vows to give the show a chance. Root and Shaw's ending is a devastating form of tragic fiction and here Maura thought her's and Jane's ending was unsatisfying. But then Maura's mind moves past heartbreaking entertainment to wondering if even in Jane's apparent awed state if Jane is going to realize that Root and Shaw just finished having sex in this bathroom since that's what this room is used for in this bar.

"Root is such an odd name."

"It's her hacker handle." Jane drops her arms and relaxes her posture as she side-eyes her reflection in the large mirror and then the expansive countertop space. "Her name is Samantha Groves. You know my favorite line of her's was when she straight up told Samaritan: 'Just call me Root, bitch'."

Maura smirks at Jane's poorly concealed elation, "So they both are essentially named Sam?"

"Yeah, and it's kind of cool." Jane says as he avoids eye contact and turns towards the countertop; her reflection mimics her precisely. "If they were in a movie it could be called: '2 Sam 2 Furious'."

Maura smiles and shakes her head. Jane is also as good at diffusing her irritation as she is inciting it in the first place. Maura knows Jane will try her best to talk around the issue between them or avoid it completely.

"Shaw is or was a sort of doctor slash ISA assassin, Maur. You should talk to her sometime if you can get her to. But just so you know on the show she diagnosed herself as a sociopath with Axis II disorder."

Maura smiles wider as she comes to stand behind Jane, "Oh really? And here I thought it was odd that my character diagnosed her dates."

"Nah, there's plenty of weird in everybody. You just spent too much time around assholes which I guess was the writer's and whoever else's plan all along."

Maura is moved at Jane's words even though they were spoken in jest. To Maura everything about Jane is all but begging to be touched. Maura decides to be daring again so she reaches up and places her hands on Jane's shoulders. Jane doesn't flinch but Maura feels how tense Jane is through her clothes. Maura knows the best way to relax Jane but she opts not to mention it just yet. Maura slowly runs her hands down Jane's back until she reaches Jane's trim waist and then Maura boldly winds her arms around Jane's waist and presses her body against Jane's. It feels wonderful.

"Oh God!" Jane says loudly and makes a pained and panicked face that Maura sees in their shared reflection in the mirror. "Something just happened to me!"

Maura releases her hold on Jane's waist and steps back, "What's wrong? Are you alright? Do you need medical attention?"

Jane is freaking out on the inside. One second she's enjoying Maura hugging on her; Maura's boobs all up on her, and the tingle Maura's attention was causing down below. And then it started in her neck, her back and then bam her crotch feels heavy and like it's going to explode out of her pants which was the only thing that kept Jane from humming that song: 'My Neck, My Back'.

In an effort to conceal what she realizes is a dick in her pants Jane calmly tries buttoning her blazer together, "Yeah, I mean no. I don't need any help."

Jane is back to thinking this is some fucked up dream because nowhere in even her craziest fantasies has Jane ever imagined herself with an actual dick between her legs. Thank God, it feels like she hasn't got any balls.

Maura has a vague idea of what has occurred with Jane given the setting. As previously stated most people use the bathrooms for sex and fictional characters are subject to the whims of fantasy no matter where they are. Maura feels very guilty since Jane's predicament, that she's miserably failing to hide, is entirely Maura's fault.

Jane face reddens as she dares to glance at Maura. And Jane knows what guilt looks like on Maura's face, "You did this! God, I don't want this on me! And I sure as shit don't want to use this on you!"

"Why not? I'm willing to surmise that it's a perfectly acceptable penis."

"Well then I guess that makes it alright." Jane gives up any pretenses of buttoning her blazer and flails her arms out letting her blazer fall wide open. "Oh, wait! No it doesn't!"

"Would you prefer if I had it?" Maura says as her eyes briefly appraise the erection jutting down Jane's inner thigh. "In this environment, if you will, it indulges fantasies. And to aide in understanding there's a whole section of writers that indulge this fantasy and readers who enjoy reading about a woman developing a penis out of nowhere. Strap-ons aren't an option here in this room."

Jane roughly drags her hand over her face, "Fine then, you wear it or whatever. But don't even think about getting close to me with this...thing!"

"That's not very nice, Jane."

Jane's looks incredulous but before she can utter another word relief washes over her face as the weight between her legs vanishes and Jane feels like a proper woman again. Jane might've been written as one of the boys and maybe a bit too butch but she is still a woman. And just because Jane acts like a dick, when she's not being a bitch, doesn't secretly mean that Jane wants a dick swinging against her thighs.

"Oooh!"

"What?"

Maura smiles and shifts her posture to the side, "It's a good thing I'm wearing a dress instead of pants. I'm not even erect and as a fake doctor I can say that I'm still well-endowed in a flaccid state."

Jane's mouth moves but no words come out. Leave it to Maura to marvel over sprouting a disco stick that Jane has no intention of riding. Maura shoots Jane a sneaky grin and Jane's expression morphs into a wide-eyed state that one would equate to an over-exaggerated expression on a subpar actress in a low grade horror move.

"Root and Shaw had sex in here!"

Maura shrugs, "Yes, since that's what the bathroom is used for here. I told you I haven't had a bowel movement and that also includes urination."

Jane's face contorts from wide-eyed to an expression that would suggest she smells something unpleasant, "So you made me come in here with you so you could chew me out a little more and then seduce me?"

That was the ideal scenario Maura's mind worked through on the way to the bathroom. But after further consideration that idea was summarily dismissed. And judging by Jane's emotional state it was a 'good call' as the saying goes.

"I will admit that I thought about it. Jane, we don't have to imagine the passion that lingers under the surface between us. I know you feel it. And there is no shame here."

Jane makes a face as her eyes flicker down to Maura's crotchal area and then back to Maura's face, "Don't come near me with that thing. I mean it."

"Why not? I'm certain I could pleasure you properly and more thoroughly than all of your male lovers. And while I'm more endowed than average I promise not to hurt you."

Jane gulps; where in the hell did Maura's nerdy-romantic rage run off to? And male lovers? What the fuck? But come to think about it Jane has no recollection of the size of her past lovers junk. All Jane can remember is waking up with Agent Dean (Ew!) and then trying not to throw up in her mouth at the sight of his hairy pigeon chest and his not so little moobs. Jane has no memory of ever seeing Casey naked and on that note Jane decides that it's good to be a fictional character in that respect.

"Um, that's good to know Maura. Very kind and considerate of you. But I..." Jane's mind scrambles like eggs looking for a gentle way to say 'pass on the dick' without saying 'pass on a good long kiss' too. "But I'm just not in the mood for a biological phallus shaped-object, right now."

"Oh. Okay."

The blue dress was a happy accident for Maura but seeing Jane tonight after waiting for her on many levels was no accident. Nothing about tonight has gone as Maura imagined so why should this be any different? Of course Jane wouldn't want to jump into anything rashly with Maura. Especially when factoring in a penis abruptly appearing on her at Maura's passing behest. Maura really does want her fantasy one day of having Jane from behind though; biological penis or non-biological penis.

Maura looks dejected and Jane frowns at the expression on Maura's face and the fact that her joke went right over Maura's head. Does Maura not remember the whole stone dildo spiel from back in the day? Jane shakes her head and mumbles under her breath: 'Well, there goes any jokes about flirting over a dead body and stomach contents'. Jane moves marginally closer to Maura but not too close. Jane doesn't want to see Maura's swanky dress become a blue pop-tent downtown.

"Hey, there's nothing to be sad about." Jane says as she timidly places her hand on Maura's arm. All Jane can think about is that damn dick and not in a good way. "You can still yell at me if you want and then I'll kiss you and make it all better."

Maura faintly grins at Jane's suggestion of a kiss and as Maura thinks about not having the masculine appendage between her legs it goes away, "Are you through playing hard to get?"

"Only if you've gotten rid of it." Jane says while briefly picturing Claudia, the red-headed song girl, singing the verse from the song 'Shoop' that goes: 'I wanna know how does it hang?' It's a stupid thought to say the least and Jane wipes it from her mind since it might happen if she dwells on it. "And I still mean it. This isn't me playing coy about your wang."

Maura smirks at how disdainfully Jane enunciated 'it' and 'wang', "It's gone."

"Are you sure?" Jane moves close enough that Maura's heartrate picks up at the proximity. "Because if you're fibbing and I feel it poking me I will stop and you won't be getting anything else for the rest of the night."

"You know I can't lie."

"Really? You still can't? But I thought that whole deal with your father. I mean your adopted father not your…"

Maura eliminates the distance between their bodies and places her hands on Jane's hips which gets Jane to shut the fuck up, "Neither of them exist here, Jane. But I do and I cannot lie unless I want hives or a fainting spell."

"Have you tested this out?"

Maura sighs due to her patience wearing thin, again, after being promised a kiss and after well everything else Maura's endured in the name of entertainment.

"I'm not willing to chance it just to prove a theory that's not important now."

Jane pulls her best faux appalled facial expression in Maura's opinion, "Dr. Isles ignoring the pursuit of scientific inquiry? I never thought I would see the day."

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"If you don't kiss me in the next fifteen seconds I'm going to go have sex with Pete and Steve."

"No you won't."

"I might." Maura feels she's being adequately reflective given that she has absolutely no desire to engage in coitus with either man or both simultaneously. "Pete has quite the affinity for breasts and even though Steve is a very attractive man inside and outside he doesn't have breasts."

"Go ahead then." Jane shrugs and tries to pay down the fact that she's getting wet and that the rest of her body is basically behaving like a tweaker on the inside. "Tackle two mess making wang eruptions at once."

Maura smirks, "Fifteen seconds starting now."

Jane laughs lightly in spite of the hollow threat and the fact that her insides are now doing their best impersonation of clothes rolling around in a dryer. And on top of that jostling sensation all Jane wants in this moment for Christmas and in the whole wide world combined is for their first kiss not to be awkward. Not even a smidgeon. Jane is secretly hoping that some fictional miracle will make it smooth and good right out of the gate. So Jane closes her eyes and leans in to give Maura what she wants. What they both have wanted for a long time.

Their noses bump together and Jane flinches a bit, pulls back and opens her eyes. Maura doesn't seem to be all that disappointed. Instead she's smiling but for some reason that irks Jane just enough because this is Maura and since when does she hold off on commentary? But there will be something so Jane just waits for it and sure enough Maura does that thing with her shoulders and kind of bats her eyes. Jane has to front being annoyed just to keep from blushing like an idiot. Maura grins as she reaches up and gently taps Jane on the end of her nose with her fingertip.

Jane has to restrain herself from rolling her eyes; she's not used to kissing down and its Maura dammit. And of course Maura giggles which is so not helping. And even as Jane's face warms she thinks back to the time Maura reset her fractured nose. Maura hesitated before touching her that night and that was the first and last time Jane had seen Maura up close. Until now. Maura really does have seriously beautiful eyes but then everything about her is beautiful even that temper Jane has only seen once and doesn't care to see again.

"Jane relax, please."

"And how am I supposed to do that at the moment? Oh wait, is there a kiosk in here? I could use a beer. A #121 might help me relax."

Maura's head injury for the sake of a weak plot doesn't apply here. And after looking over the beer menu for amusement it didn't take much for Maura to memorize it.

"You actually want to try a 'Sausage Fest'?" Maura tilts her head to the side and grins as she readjusts her hold around Jane's waist. "I thought you said you weren't in the mood for anything phallus related?"

Jane secretly thinks that Snarky Maura is just as much fun as Bossy Maura. In all fairness though Jane equally likes and deeply loves all the many parts that make up the one and only Maura Isles.

"Hmm, you finally got that joke huh? And I can't say I'm surprised you know the menu."

"I'm sorry if I lead you to believe that your joke coasted over my skull. Since I vividly remember our one lesbian case and the conversations about types and my anecdote about cavemen using a phallus shaped-object as a napping flint."

Jane grins, "The phrase is 'sailed over my head'."

"Oh, right." Maura says lowly as her eyes track down to the buttons Jane's left undone on her shirt. Maura doesn't mind being gently corrected but Maura's attentions have been caught. Maura really wants to be able to kiss that single freckle she can see between Jane's breasts and then both of her breasts. But Maura resigns herself with a sigh and loosens her grasp on Jane's waist completely, "Your allotted fifteen seconds has expired. So you know what that means."

Jane's mouth drops open for a second or two and her forehead wrinkles before what can only be described as a growl slips out as she surges forward and this time Jane's hands cradle Maura's face as her lips land square on Maura's. Jane quickly loses focus on all but one thing; what Jane wants Maura to feel. And Maura is feeling it if the little noises she's making around the kiss and her hands that just landed on Jane's ass are anything to go by. Jane smirks into the kiss on a hard squeeze to her left ass cheek and then she decides to up her game with some tongue action.

Maura is experiencing a kind of nirvana; she is certain of it when Jane swipes her tongue along her lower lip and Maura opens her mouth to Jane. Maura is adept at multi-tasking so she doesn't hesitate to suck on Jane's tongue while she appreciates Jane's frim ass one last time before allowing her hands to slide up and then around Jane's waist. Jane's answering deep raspy moan ignites Maura further. Maura groans as Jane takes her tongue back only to let it slip against Maura's and then she deliberately lets it linger in a slippery caress.

Maura's hands grasp and release at Jane's waist but then they slowly begin to track upwards until both of Jane's breasts are in Maura's palms. Jane moans again and Maura loves how Jane slides her hands off her face only to wrap her arms around Maura's neck. Maura palms Jane's breasts again and that elicits a wonderful hip thrust. Maura grins as she pants against Jane's lips. The space is all heat and Maura's fantasy of taking Jane from behind resurfaces but is in hindsight was a bit much to expect before even getting a kiss like this.

The kiss goes on but then there's a loud buzz and the bathroom door unlocks automatically. Jane is all too aware of the sound so she breaks the kiss and pulls away. As Jane opens her eyes her first sight is by far pretty damn great. Maura is all flushed and a little roughed-up in a specific way and with each heavy breath that incredible chest moves in that awesome as fuck blue dress. Jane feels a rush of pride at her accomplishment until it dawns on Jane that she didn't get to feel Maura up which is unfair since Maura sure as hell felt her up.

"I forgot about the enforced time limit and I don't mean the one I jokingly issued to you." Maura says breathlessly as she runs her hands down the waist of her dress. Wrinkle smoothing could be considered a reflex action for Maura. "This room is designated for 'quickies' only."

Jane makes face and groans, "And to think that kiss was so damn good I'd forgotten about our delightful setting. Thanks for reminding me."

Maura is in too good of a mood and amply aroused for Jane's wild swings into sarcasm to put a damper on all the endorphins pinging through her body.

"You're welcome." Maura says as she daintily wipes at the corners of her mouth. Jane isn't an overly wet kisser but it's best to always check for any stray saliva. "Obviously our time is up so would you like another beer or would you prefer to call it a night and leave with me now?"

"Oh, I'm having another beer Dr. Presumptuous."

Maura chuckles as she moves back into Jane's personal space and smoothes her hands over the front of Jane's blazer; then straightening it out on her shoulders. It takes no brilliant mind to see how aroused Jane is or the fact that she's marginally embarrassed by it to a degree due to the public arena.

"I wasn't being presumptuous. But I do love it when you give me new ridiculous nicknames. It's cute."

Jane's lips thin out and her forehead wrinkles, "I'm not cute but I did let you cop a feel."

"And I enjoyed it immensely and I would like to do it again but with far less clothing on and to then repeat the action as many times as you'll let me."

Jane runs her hand through her hair and inhales deeply. Maura is way close again, touching her again and Jane is dangerously horny enough as it is. Jane clears her throat and gently takes Maura's roaming hands in her's. Maura smiles slyly up at Jane and damn it there's those bedroom eyes all up in Jane's grill again. Sexin' Jane up, down and from behind.

"I need a drink after that."

Maura grins and quickly leans up and pecks Jane on the lips before pulling away, "That's what Shaw said."

* * *

 **Soundtrack: "Hypontize" by Notorious B.I.G**

 **A/N: I adore that the general thoughts among readers is that this story is funny but weird. You should know that I can easily keep with the status quo I've set since this story (when it's not hardcore pimping Rizzles) has some fun with every worthwhile thing that pops in my weird inclined brain.**


	4. 4 Words

_**#4 Words**_

* * *

"You know, Maur." Jane begins only to stop to decide on whether she should go all in with her usual flair or not. Decision made Jane opts to double down. "If I'd been your love interest on the show one could only hope that the writer's wouldn't have made me do the typical douche bag things all your other love interests did."

"Such as?"

"Oh, I don't know how about showing up at your house armed and ready for the booty call I feel I'm entitled too?" Jane poses with her beer, a refreshingly tasty #22 a.k.a 'Captain Kickass', and arches a single eyebrow while channeling her I'm too sexy-smarmy impersonation. "Thank you for seeing me and you're welcome lover. Just call me Ian, Dr. Ian."

Maura tamps down the urge to smile, "You really hated him didn't you."

"What gave it away?" Jane shrugs and then takes a swig off her beer. It's as much a stall tactic as it is an excuse to drink more. "But let's see moving down the list...oh yes, how about the dead dude you gave a hand job to? Which revived him and not just his wang." In spite of her sharp tongue it's not like Jane isn't fully aware that she doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of in regards to her own beige love interests. "But then you went out with Dennis and he had the gall to parade around in front of you naked just because you already gave him a hand job. And to cap it all off you went tagging with him."

Jane won't mention that Dennis Rockmond turned out to not be throwaway character from the Flintstones show and the chewable vitamins as his name suggested but a serial killer. Fiction or not serial killers are some scary shit when they have a knife to your best friend and work wife's throat. Jane is also going to skip over the smug asshat Garrett the murderer of Fairfield.

"Or how about the Italian grease-gorilla face-licker and his royal 'We-ness' Slucky?" Jane shivers with disgust since one man still drags his knuckles along with his monkey wrenches while the other was just a dressed up self-loving Neanderthal with a muffin top and a fake ass degree. "Shit, I almost forgot about the yoga instructor guy whose name rhymes with crock."

Maura makes a face at Jane before taking a lingering sip of her second Utopias for the night. The beer tastes as exceptional as the first bottle. Leena warned Maura though that not only is the price high but quantities are limited. Though now Maura sees that value in alcohol as a social lubricant. Jane is being a bitch at the moment; rehashing old fictional love interests in the most obnoxious way possible. Maura had no choice in who she was paired with while the show was still being broadcasted. Everything has been nothing more than an imitation of free will.

"And then there came Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump on Maura with his candlestick." Jane is proud of her perversion of a children's nursery rhyme. Not to mention the fact that she made her bottle of beer perform like a bouncing ball in karaoke. "God, I remember for the longest time every morning when I came over to hang out with you he was just there. Like a rash with no pants on and wearing one of your extra girly robes."

Maura purses her lips together, "It should go without saying that the writers of our show took it upon themselves to provide my character with that all too common staple. Not me. And I believe the popular term is trope. So yet again to cater to heteronormativity it makes sense that I have another ill-fitting satellite love interest to make sure I wasn't lonely since it's commonly accepted that a woman needs a man."

Jane rolls her eyes and leans back further into the seat of the booth. This one is in a darker corner that's probably reserved for the True Blood or the Buffy vampires or some other such shit on the odd Friday night. Some other TV people snagged Jane and Maura's previous booth while they were sprouting wangs and making out in the world's most fucked up bathroom.

"You sound like I went to Google looking for the lyrics to a Percy Sledge song but got stuck on a feminist agenda that was playing the performed by Michael 'Big Sexy Valentine's Day Special' Bolton version."

Maura shakes her head and takes another sip of her Utopias before pushing the more than half empty stein away to the far side of the booth's table. Then a figure walking towards their booth makes Maura smile as she recognizes who it is.

The man stops at the booth and clears his throat, "I used to know a woman with mad skills, talked smack with the best of them, and I always thought that she was not so secretly gone on her BFF."

Jane sits her beer bottle down on the table and turns to see the face that goes with voice that she hasn't seen or heard in person in years. And sure enough he's standing right there with a playful smirk spreading all over his handsome face.

"Frost?"

"The one and only my sister from another mister."

Jane laughs and springs up from her seat in the booth and despite not being a hugger (the lady doth protests) Jane grabs Frost and pulls him in. Frost chuckles as he tightly returns the hug. Jane smiles into his shoulder and this is the first time she notices that she's got a little on Frost height-wise. Frost kind of begins to sway and Jane has to hold in her tears; sad tears and happy all mixed together.

Maura grins at the sight since she too was over-joyed to see Barry again. Since arriving here Maura found out why Frost suddenly died in a car crash on the show. The actor who put a face and a body on Barry took his own life and so the writer's had to account for that. But then the most amazing thing happened when the show was canceled. Barold Frost was beloved on Rizzoli & Isles and thus he lives on here.

Jane clears her throat and leans back from their embrace, "Before you say anything cute that will annoy me...yeah, I missed you and," Jane sniffs because damn the tears that are trying to leak out. "You were just gone and I'm not always a total bitch."

Barry grins and his warm chestnut-amber brown eyes have that shine to them even more so in this lighting, "Hey, look I never thought to associate you with something that you can board in a kennel, partner."

Jane scoffs and gently pushes Frost on the shoulder. Jane takes a good look at her friend and literal partner in fake crime. Frost looks good but he isn't dressed in a sharp suit like he was on the show. Instead, Barry is wearing jeans with a black blazer and a navy blue button down shirt underneath it. Frost has got some groomed light five o' clock shadow Jane hasn't seen on him since he first came up from Robbery all those years ago.

"Freeze, B-Frost!"

Jane makes a face and kind of leans around Frost to see the small person who's obviously standing behind him. Jane is kind of bewildered to see the young red-headed girl who was singing the Queen mash-up to her and Maura earlier.

Barry winks at Jane before he turns around to face the shorty behind him, "What'cha got for me, Donovan?"

Claudia smiles and bites her lower lip as she moves in closer and places both of her hands on Barry's face, "This."

Jane just kind of gapes at the sight of Frost making out in front of her. The red-headed chick grasps at Frost's biceps and Jane looks away at the wet sound of their lips as they break contact only to apparently change the angle. The kiss goes on for long enough that Jane blushes and then can't help but wonder how her and Maura looked together. Jane clears her throat again before she just shrugs and sits back down on her side of the booth. And of course Maura smirks at her and Jane sticks out her tongue in response. Maura laughs.

"Oh my God!" Claudia says after removing her lips from Frost's and pulling out of his grasp but not too much. Jane and Maura's attention snap back to the young couple thanks to Claudia's loud affirmation. "Why are you two still here? What the hellz? I do my serenade thing that Pete talked me into. You even had K-Beck at your table and even I can appreciate that. So who took a wrong turn?"

Jane rolls her eyes, she will not be mildly condescended to by an early twenty-something, "That would be me."

"Huh? Self-sabotage." Claudia narrows her eyes and sticks her tongue out on the inside of her cheek. "Dude, what is your deal?"

Frost inhales sharply and drags his hand down his face. Claudia means well but she doesn't know Jane the way he does. And even though he's been gone from Jane's life for a while he's seen everything that he missed and Jane Rizzoli only changed if and when Grant, Dean or Jones were all up in her grill.

"Claude, ease up on her." Barry reaches for Claudia's hand and gently brings it up to his lips and kisses her hand. Claudia blushes. "For Jane everything was all about dudes except for the subtext she had with Maura. And then the show ended with my partner here running off to the Feds after a Paris vay-cay with Maura. This was never seen on the show so obviously they didn't hit up the city of lights and then go after each other with baguettes."

Claudia laughs and elbows Frost in his side lightly. Maura chuckles at the environment she's currently immersed in and she doesn't fail to cast an amused glance to the woman sitting across from her. It was exhilarating to finally kiss Jane and touch her in key places. But since leaving the women's bathroom Jane has slipped back behind her usual facade; beer in hand included.

Jane rolls her eyes; it's comforting to know that Frost's humor is still good to go, "Really? Baguettes? That's the best you can come up with?"

Frost grins, "No, but it's the best I can say in present company without truly offending all the beautiful ladies I'm surrounded by."

Jane makes a face and reaches for her bottle of Captain Kickass beer only to discover that she has long since drained it dry. Jane grunts and pushes the empty bottle away like it just transformed into some horny dude who tried to tongue kiss her ambush style.

"Barry, it's good to see you tonight." Maura says with a smile. "You too Claudia and thank you for the lovely song. It was a very sweet gesture."

"Thank you." Claudia playfully shrugs off Maura's praise but then frowns and turns her attention to the sulky tall chick. "I'm glad someone appreciated it."

Jane throws Claudia her best plastic smile but then her eyes lock on to the red sticker plastered on one the bottom pockets of Frost's blazer. The number thirteen is scrawled on the white strip. Jane would bet both of her fake badges that Claudia's got a red sticker somewhere on her too.

"So, Frost how did you and Claudia meet?"

Jane sees Frost quickly wink at Claudia before he turns his beaming smile on full blast for Jane, "We're two hackers that found love in a hopeless place."

Maura chuckles and Jane makes a face at Frost. Honestly though Jane is happy that Frost is alive again and that he met someone. But Jane is not about to play big sister. I mean why bother in these circumstances? After all Jane has experienced the women's bathroom. Wonder what the men's room does or the unisex bathroom?

"Good to know. So you'll be performing a Rihanna mash-up later then, Frost?" Jane shifts in her seat and the heated vinyl under ass makes a sound that could pass for a fart. Jane ignores the low noise. "Say, what happens when you leave this place?"

Jane watches as the smile dims on Frost's face but still he looks to Maura while Claudia takes to examining her painted fingernails. Jane thinks that this is classic and about as subtle as a big turd bobbing and weaving in a crystal clear swimming pool.

Maura sighs, "You'll just have to stick with me to find out."

"That's not at all reassuring. So I think I'll stay here. In fact, I'm going to go get another beer." Jane slaps her hand down on the booths table and scoots to the end and then pushes up to her feet. "Only this time I'm going to pick one with a questionable name. Off the top of my head I'm thinkin' #88 should do the trick."

"You've already had three beers Jane!"

"This is a rare thing for me but I'm gonna quote Ben Franklin, Maur. 'When the well is dry, we know the worth of the water' and I'm still parched and this is a watering hole." Jane pivots to the side and shrugs. "And hey, it's not like I can actually become an alcoholic."

Maura watches Jane move away from her booth with that distinctive swagger. And as much as Maura will always be smitten with all of Jane and all of her accompanying complexities it will never cease to amaze Maura how Jane can leave her so perplexed. Upon reflection Maura feels that the kiss in the bathroom was fantastic not to mention finally being able to touch Jane in more intimate areas. Jane's breasts are bigger than they appear and were quite wondrous to caress.

But after leaving the bathroom and Jane having her epiphany about this world, then finagling another beer from another bartender the mood shifted. Now all Maura can surmise is that Jane was comparing herself to all of Maura's past fake conquests to see where she fit and why. Maura saw no need to pick apart such things seeing as they're moot now and highly irrelevant. Though perhaps Maura should've taken advantage of the topic Jane provided to air out her true feelings on Casey Jones.

"Hey, doc are you alright?" Frost's tender voice propels Maura out of her thoughts. "Jane's difficult and you know this."

"I'm aware, Barry. But believe it or not she assured me not too long ago that she was done playing hard to get."

Claudia snorts, "Please, a woman like her lives for the pursuit and I'm not saying that just because she was a fake detective."

Maura faintly grins and nods thoughtfully, "You might be right, Claudia."

Frost smirks and slides into the booth where Jane was sitting and then Claudia sits down beside him, "Look, give a Jane a few minutes and while you're giving her time to stew tell me all about the taste of a Utopias."

Maura smiles brightly, "You could just order one Barry."

"I haven't got the credits for that, Doc."

The rules for each character's allowances at the Poison Apple are taken directly from the show they appeared on. Though Frost was an extremely well-dressed young detective who went too an all-white prep school his finances were not addressed on the show. Frost just has money-wise what he made working as a homicide detective for BPD.

"Or better yet I or maybe we could hack the system and get us some freebies?" Claudia says with obvious mischief and no hint of possible remorse. Frost loves that about her. "The inventory system is automated and I bet I could get that innocent-looking kiosk to aid and abet."

Jane strides up to the bar and Pete smirks and nods to Jane while giving her two thumbs up. What Pete is praising Jane for she has no fucking clue but then again Jane is learning that this is most likely Pete's standard setting. That and Pete probably thinks that Jane had sex with Maura in the bathroom. Pervert. But then Jane spots another woman sitting at the bar this time around so Jane takes the next stool down. After settling down on a stool Jane side eyes the other woman at the bar who clearly has a thing for leather.

"Beer me, Pete!"

"Nope, not a chance. I wasn't kidding beforehand." Pete says as he turns around to fiddle with the touch screen display. It's showing a shit load of expensive orders coming in and then being dispersed to a few of the Dark Korner booths. "But I gotta hand it to you since you got Lena to slip you that 'Captain Kickass' while I was on break getting my Steve on. Betcha thought I wouldn't find out about that, huh?"

"Oh, come on!"

"Still no and I'm not sorry, Rizzoli."

Jane scowls while she slowly raises her left hand as if to wave. But instead she extends the middle finger on said hand in Pete's general direction for a few seconds until satisfaction is her's. Pete misses the dirty birdie fly-by fuck-off but the woman sitting at the bar one stool down from Jane doesn't. In fact she's laughing into her drink. Jane smirks but otherwise doesn't acknowledge the other woman who is getting a good chuckle out of her childish antics.

Bo Dennis came to the 'Poison Apple' tonight like she does every Wednesday but tonight she's dressed all in black except for her yellow 'taken but willing' sticker. The clothing ensemble being a form fitting black leather jacket, a black V-neck shirt underneath and tight leather pants with heeled boots. The main reason for the wardrobe selection is that Lauren likes her all in black. But as a treat for later Bo chose to wear an equally black and barely there matching underwear set for her's and Lauren's enjoyment.

"I know it's none of my business but you should be nicer to your girlfriend especially when she's wearing such a killer blue dress." Bo says as she rocks the foamy and half-gone stein of beer in her hand. Jane watches the hazy caramel colored liquid tip to the side in anticipation of dumping its contents down the woman's throat. "I was sitting in the booth next to yours and Maura's and I couldn't help but overhear how you were going on about the ex-boyfriends she had, no pun intended, on your show. And it wasn't fair because I think Maura's great and never mind she's been waiting for you a while now."

Jane eyebrows perform an impressive lift towards her hairline, "Excuse me?"

"I'm talking about Maura Isles." Bo gestures with her beer stein and Jane detects the following eye roll just by the woman's tone. "You do know her right?"

"Sure, seven years plus now and how long have you known her? Much longer than me of course."

"You don't have to be like that."

"Well pardon me." Jane isn't afraid to turn up the sarcasm or just good old fashioned snark. "But I find it difficult to appreciate people I've never met sticking their noses in my affairs."

Bo swivels to the side on her stool slightly, "Are you sure about that? It seems to me like you should be used to it since that was the sole purpose of your mother's character."

"Leave my fake mother out of this."

Bo gives Jane a look and Jane just knows that Bo's eavesdropping isn't some passive-aggressive attack on her. Bo is direct and she can throw some snappy shade. Jane respects and likes that right away. Plus it's nice to know Maura has made some more friends. Maura deserves as many as she wants and Jane thinks that anyone would have to be all kinds of stupid to not want Maura Isles in their life in some capacity.

"Man, I thought there was some weird shit that went on in my show." Bo grins because she's watched all of the episodes of her canceled show. It was a shame near the end when the powers that be stopped showing her side boob in the opening titles. Not to mention some shows that is just getting started. So far Bo really likes 'Wynonna Earp'. But she also likes 'Dark Matter' since the actress who looks like Lauren is on that show. "But having your mother live in your best friend's guesthouse for over six years is seriously fae'd-up."

"Fae'd-up?" Jane's forehead wrinkles slightly. "Dare I ask what the hell you're drinking?"

"Hmm, I like dares. But to answer your question I'm partial to #65 most of the time but right now I'm drinking a #102."

Jane cranes her head towards the now infamous '99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall' menu and Jane chokes on the air she's breathing for a hot second. Here Jane is on her first night and she has just met someone who's downing an 'Old Thunderpussy.'

"You know this place kinda reminds me of the 'Dal Riata' pub on my show. But maybe all the bars on TV shows are supposed to resemble one another. Writer's and producer's imaginations being what they are I guess it's self-explanatory." The leather clad woman places her stein down on the bar top and fully turns on her stool to face Jane. "I'm Bo the succubus."

"Nice to meet you. Pete mentioned you earlier." Jane says cautiously as she offers her hand for Bo to shake. Bo grins and takes Jane's hand in a firm handshake. "My name is Jane but you already knew that."

Bo chuckles, "Warned, is probably more accurate for Pete. And yeah I already knew but it's cool to finally meet you in person." Bo lets go of Jane's hand before she becomes too tempted to give Jane a taste of some succubus heat. "Though it's been fun seeing you and Maura on your show. I loved the episode were you tricked Giovanni into believing you and Maura are LLBFF's."

Jane scoffs, "Everybody seems to really like that one. That's the third time tonight someone has quoted the LLBFF's thing to me."

"And why wouldn't they? You and Maura are even more beautiful together. But I have to say that I think you manhandled her too much at the garage with Giovanni near the end of the episode."

By the end of this night or whatever comes first Jane is going to find a TV somewhere and binge watch all the cool shows she either never heard of or was too chicken shit to watch. The 'L-Word' show is not going on Jane's list since she's convinced that she will never have the right kind of attention span to watch that show. Sure Jane knows she is as green as grass when it comes to loving a lady but she will never watch the 'L-Word' for tips.

"So what does a succubus do exactly?"

Bo crosses her legs and Jane takes note of the tall knee-high leather boots, "I suck chi out of people and I have sex to heal myself when I'm wounded."

"Okay? And there was a show about all that on American television?"

"It was a Canadian show which technically they all are since they're filmed there but it was broadcasted in America on SyFy."

"So you...with women?"

"Yes." Bo says with a wide smile. Maura's descriptions of Jane or rather one in particular are spot on and Jane being gun-shy about sex is endearing in its own way. "Or as my best friend said once: 'I like da ladies'."

"Where is your best friend?"

Bo turns in her stool more to face Jane, "Kenzi's here so to speak. She's impossible not to love. But currently she's off on an adventure with Tamsin."

"Who's Tamsin?"

"Another person from 'Lost Girl' who is also beloved. You know on the show Kenzi proclaimed she was only into sausage but damn after the show was canceled her and Tamsin couldn't seem to get enough of each other. Go figure? Tamsin was even one of my love interests for a while." Bo licks her lips and Jane notices the other woman's brown eyes flash to a bright blue. "She's tall, blonde and a Valkyrie. I have a thing for blondes."

Jane smiles politely and hazards a glance to Pete on the other side of the bar. The man-child is actually making hideous kissing faces against his hand. And to think Maura threatened to have sex with him which sounds about right in all honesty given the colorful history Maura had on the show. Jane wouldn't hesitate to quote one word from Mayor Mills (from the show she hate watches) when describing Pete and that word is: 'idiot!'

"But you have a girlfriend now?"

"Yeah, her name is Lauren." Bo calmly calls back her powers as she looks over Jane who is a very impressive non blonde woman. "I still can't simply feed on Lauren and no one else but I only have sex with Lauren now. You know she's a doctor too like Maura. Lauren and Maura have become fast friends, no surprise there, and let me warn you that their shared nerdness is kinda scary. Lauren got all excited when we came in and spotted you two sitting in the Dark Korner together, finally."

Jane clenches her jaw and taps out an irregular rhythm with her fingertips on her bar top. Apparently, everyone has seen Rizzoli & Isles and arrived at the conclusion that her and Maura are the most closeted married couple to ever not couple on a damn TV program.

"So you were a character on a supernatural genre show?"

"Yep, and I wasn't too bad most of the time. I even had a vintage yellow car before Emma Swan came along. My ride was cooler though. But my show was big on love triangles so I went from my male love interest to my female one like a yo-yo goes up and down. I also had my share of other people when Dyson or Lauren dumped me. Still I prefer Lauren over Dyson."

"Dyson?" Jane stops tapping on the bar with her fingers like she's been warming up for a recital. "Sounds like the vacuum cleaner."

Bo smirks, "He did suck sometimes. But better that than being strung along by some pompous army brat who thinks the sun shines out of his badly accented ass. And he has a cutesy chick name to boot."

"Hey, I never liked Casey like that! The writers of the show are to blame. I don't even know what the dude looks like naked. I bet you know what Dyson's wang looks like though don't you."

The Bo Dennis from 'Lost Girl' would call what Jane said fighting words but she isn't that Bo. The show was highly sexual in the early seasons but as the show drew to a close the sex became implied and not really shown in detail the way it was. However, Bo does recall to an extent seeing Dyson's wolf junk and she does vividly remember some of their more adventurous sexual entanglements.

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response but I will tell you that your sexual energy is so repressed. You need to loosen up in more ways than one."

This is the last thing Jane needs now. Someone else, a perfect strange stranger no less, telling her how to live her life. Playing hard to get is all Jane has now even though she told Maura she was done with it. Kissing Maura was a first and not because Maura is a woman. Maura is technically the first person Jane has wanted to kiss and the way things are Maura will probably be the last. Sure Kate Beckett was giving Jane some eyesex but Jane wouldn't know what to do with a woman like that.

"I can hear you over-thinking from over here." Bo says and for the briefest pauses Jane's eyes drop down to Bo's chest area which is as well-endowed as it is proudly on display. Bo smirks and Jane frowns. "You're not a blonde but I wouldn't mind feeding off a beautiful woman like you. Plus, it will make you feel good for your girlfriend's sake."

"I don't think so. And besides Maura isn't my girlfriend."

Bo shakes her head and rolls her eyes, "Why not? She loves you and going by your aura you love her too. What's the problem?"

There is no problem is what Jane wants to blurt out but she can't. This has been one hell of night and one mother of a trip and maybe the best part is that it will never end. Jane doesn't owe the truth to anyone but Maura really. Though at the same time everybody has to start somewhere; you have to crawl before you walk.

"My aura?"

"Everyone has one and I can see them. I can read a person's sexual energy, but so can Leena and she's not even a succubus."

"Forget it, forget it. I don't want to know." Jane sighs and throws her hands up in the air. "It's Maura and the fact that our entire history was strictly for entertainment and I've always been attracted to her. But now in one night I find out I'm not real, she's not real, nothing is real but my best friend does want to see my boobs and other parts."

Jane can't help but grin at how crazy it all sounds. That and Jane has a flashback to the time her and Maura went to that eighteenth century wake dressed like period hookers. The whale bones digging into Jane's boobs are still a painful blip but damn if Maura's hands didn't feel great on her boobs. Jane realizes that she is going to have to work up the nerve to give Maura's ample rack a good fondle too.

Bo has no idea what Jane is so lost in thought and smiling about. But Bo is more than aware of the person moving up to stand behind Jane. And Bo thinks it's a safe gamble to say that same person more than likely heard most of the end of Jane's grumpy tirade. Bo flashes a brief smile to the person behind Jane and goes back to her beer, finishing it off before quietly sliding off her stool. Bo's eyes flash blue as she walks away; maybe Lauren is game for playing doctor to her impatient honeypot in the women's bathroom?

"Come home with me." Maura says while gently placing her hands on Jane's shoulders and leaning in closer. Maura phrases it not so much as a question and she expects Jane to notice. For her part Jane is caught off guard for a split second and then basks in the warmth of Maura touching her and standing so close. "I need to show you how real we are. How badly I've wanted you and how tired I am of waiting."

* * *

 **Soundtrack: "Girl U Want" by Devo**


	5. 5 Minutes To Live

_**#5 Minutes to Live**_

* * *

Trying to leave 'The Poison Apple' is just as much of a production as it is getting in. The red-light special brothel themed atmospheric illumination. The elevator style sliding doors are all the same as before but on this side there's a red call button for the doors. Maura taps the button once while Jane fights the urge to hit the button a few more times. Jane knows she has a goodly sum of annoying, underage habits that she's past due for making a honest effort to ween herself off of.

The door buzzes and then slides open. Jane is going out exactly the way she came. Well almost. The one huge change-up is Maura who took ahold of Jane's hand at the bar, after she was done sexy talking Jane up that is, and she hasn't let go since. The soft, warmth of Maura's hand holding her right tightly makes Jane think that maybe Maura's thinking that she may bolt without warning. But despite everything that's fucking with Jane she knows that there's nowhere she'd rather be even if she had somewhere else to go.

Jane's still processing and it's all still surreal as hell to her. She barely had enough wits about her to to tell Frost goodbye. Not after Maura flat out announced she wants sex as soon as possible, again. And it's taken awhile but the one hiccup that just hit Jane is she can't recall having sex with anybody and she's pretty sure that's a ditto for Maura too. All the bumpin' and grindin' on their show was implied which Jane would happily dance a jig for. But damn it's off script now, off the rails and shit the wheels might be comin' off anytime now.

"Jane, there's something I need to try to explain to you before we step outside."

"Are you about to offer me the blue pill or the red pill? Cause I'm pretty sure I don't need either one."

Maura stops and to Jane she looks confused for a moment and her cute little head tilt reminds Jane of the way a dog listens. There are so many things about Maura that are endearing and honestly there is almost next to nothing about her that isn't attractive.

"I wasn't going to suggest that you need pharmaceuticals, Jane."

Maura is well aware that Jane is quoting a portion of the pitch speech the character Morpheus used on Neo in the first installment of 'The Matrix'. But what she has to say doesn't have anything to do with that movie or any of its confusingly never-ending plotlines.

"In fact I don't see how any kind of medication would benefit us. For instance as I've stated I haven't evacuated my bowels or bladder. But most interestingly I no longer menstruate and there is no question that it's not due to me suffering from a kind of secondary amenorrhea either. I haven't even shown the slightest symptoms of a minor onset of cephalalgia."

"Stop, stop, just stop!" Jane makes a face and lets go of Maura's hand. "Christ! You still talk like Google."

Maura feels the instant sting in her eyes, "Yes, I still speak like me! Why wouldn't I? Who I am, my character if you will, and the actresses face I wear are very separate entities."

And then even in the ultra crappy mood lighting, that Jane supposes is meant to be ironic or some such shit, she doesn't miss the growing shine to Maura's eyes. Jane scrunches her face up; she is willing to acknowledge that she's a bitch out loud every so often but now she just feels like a total dickhead.

"Shit, I'm sorry! Don't cry on the account of my big stupid mouth." Jane's voice is a raspy whine as she reaches for Maura and pulls her into a hug. "I'm such an asshole on reflex. God, see this is just one of the long line of reasons why I can't understand how you...love me and want to...you know too."

So far the emotional cocktail, if you will, has left a bad taste in Maura's mouth while making her feel something akin to a kind of whiplash. But Maura will take the closeness though. She will also take the slings and arrows but not indefinitely. Time is truly relative here and Maura still wants the one person that she could never have. It's the feeling of Jane as she gently moves her hands in circles on Maura's back and Maura relaxes into the touch and then wraps her arms around Jane's trim waist.

After a minute or so Jane stops holding Maura so close, "Now what did you want to say?" Jane gingerly leans back and moves her hands to cradle Maura's beautiful face. God she is such a massive asshole on top of being a dickhead. There has got to be an off button for it somewhere. Damn the actress who helped construct her character this way. "But as a favor to me please tell me it's not that were going to be abducted by aliens or attacked by a Viking horde when we step outside."

Maura faintly snorts and then wipes under her eyes, "First, let's start with a question. Think of how you arrived at the bar, Jane?"

It's a startling moment. A question that she doesn't have an answer for and oddly one she hasn't even considered. Sure the hall moniter/toll-taker Steve toyed with her a bit before he let her in but even that wasn't enough to sound the alarm. And dammit Jane's now wondering if Maura had to pay the cover charge too?

"I-I don't, I don't remember, Maura. I mean I was thinking of you and then it was like I was on a case again. I decided to investigate this strange bar that was just on my mind while I was off...the...clock."

The buzzer sounds and the last set of shiny sliding wannabe elevator doors opens. Jane steps out and she's right back to where she started. Steve's booth is there of course and it's still night out but everything just feels different. Jane reckons that's the way it's going to be from now on.

"The bar is like a reset button isn't it?"

Maura smirks; sure Jane has the capacity to be arrogant as much as she can be self-deprecating, underplaying her savvy intelligence as much as flaunting it. All those years ago on the show Maura concluded that Jane was deceptively complex which is very accurate and entirely true.

"I suppose that's one way to look at it. But all I can confirm for you is that every day I wake up there is a variable of drastic change." Maura says while adjusting her hold on Jane's hand to lace their fingers together. "Sometimes I, and I'm going to refer to it as 'waking up' simply due to the fact I can find no other logical way to express it to you. So sometimes I 'wake up' in a bed and sometimes I 'wake up' fully dressed on my way here or to the wine bar. I can't recall anything else that might happen when I'm not awake but I've been on no 'adventures' if you will."

Jane does a kind of slow blink. More weird-ass shit to process on top of the last layer and the layer before that. No wonder everyone gets freaky in the bathroom. This place seems to be like an imitation of life set to some sort of broken dubstep beat.

Maura faintly squeezes Jane's hand in her's to ground their connection, "The only things that remains a constant if you will is my wardrobe and hair. My home shifts randomly from the very first condo from the pilot episode of our show to the house that I came to own in the second season. My car, when I have one, varies from the Mercedes to one of the Prius'. Tonight was different though my vehicle option was surprising. I took it as positive reinforcement that I needed to get to 'The Poison Apple' as fast as I could."

Maura gazes up at Jane's now conflicted expression. The distress couldn't be plainer. Jane truly looks as though Maura just told her that an Everest-sized meteor demolished Jane's real world when she wasn't paying attention.

"I've been fucking around wasting time again haven't I?"

Maura shakes her head because good or bad being with Jane has never felt like a waste of time. Jane's deep brown eyes take on a glossy sheen and then a small sniffle escapes.

"Well, what've we got here?" A very male and southern-tinged voice cuts in and it stirs Jane and Maura out of their little bubble. "Oh, I see. Miss Maura finally got her Jane?" The man steps up on the landing where Maura and Jane are and into the more neutral lighting in front of the bar. The man is wearing a purple pinstriped suit and a hat and he looks over Jane in an appraising way and then flashes a rather satisfied smile at Maura. "And goddamn woman she's a fine one like you said with more on the side. Mm, mm."

Maura smiles; it's been a while since she's seen one of her newest friends, "Lafayette! Gosh, I love the suit! And the hat and the tie! Purple works for you, you look fantastic!"

Jane feels her jaw drop open a little but she quickly gets it under control or tries to. Jane won't blurt out that she knows exactly who the man is. But 'True Blood' was another show Jane would watch every so often but only because of the man standing in front of her. And fuck a duck here he is Lafayette Reynolds himself.

Lafayette smirks and strikes a pose, "Tom Ford and you better believe it's real, honey."

Maura laughs and even that's not enough to shake Jane out of her stupefied state. Seeing Root and Shaw was one thing but seeing Lafayette is a whole nother thing. On 'True Blood' Lafayette was a glamorous gay thug when he needed to be and a shade Queen when it was in the name of entertaining himself while standing in the kitchen at the BB & G cooking for all the ungrateful, hungry and bigoted bastards in the Bon Temps. Jane enjoyed the shit out of his sass and the fact he was who he was; no apologies wanted and fuck you very much.

Jane feels herself come back to Earth or where the fuck ever she is and then it's like she goes on rewind; she finally hears Lafayette's words to her. Or rather that apparently Maura has been telling everyone about her or maybe they've all been watching 'Rizzoli & Isles' since there was nothing else on?

"Hey, you think it's alright to ogle and talk over me like that?" Jane says in her usual gruff voice and Lafayette turns his full attention to her. "Cause I gotta say you aren't like any gay man I ever saw on TV before. Since I clearly never met one during my show. Except for Chang's metrosexual nudist boyfriend Alex Simmons who Maura went all gooey-eyed for until we had a good laugh between the two of us trying to decide how gay he was."

Lafayette clicks his tongue and waggles a finger, "You two should be ashamed for yourselves. Laughin' at a man who's brave enough to not follow the crowd on how he supposed to be."

"I know but I'm guessing it was in the script." Jane shrugs and is instantly reminded that she's holding Maura's hand or Maura's still holding onto her. "I wouldn't laugh now, maybe. But the man said he loved to knit, do needlepoint or something like that."

"Oh! He loved my dress too. My favorite Casandra Strickenberg and I certainly didn't hold that against him. But then we had to strip down for a decontamination shower. It was the first time I saw Jane nearly naked."

Lafayette laughs, "That's good to know Miss Maura. I bet Jane is the type of woman that looks even better without a stitch on."

Jane rolls her eyes, "You sure you're gay, bruh?"

Lafayette's sculpted eyebrows arch up as much as his fedora will show his tell, "Oh, I'm gay honey but not so gay that I can't appreciate a fine bitch like yourself. Girl, if I looked like you it would be like I was a four star general. I can see it now, all the fellows be salutin' me when I walk in the room! But I'd do it with more flair than you got. Cause let's face it your fashion ain't got no sense. But that suit you got on now is workin' foe ya. Then again even a broken clock is right twice a day."

Maura can barely keep from laughing. 'Rizzoli & Isles' could've benefitted from someone like Lafayette being present. Maura can almost feel the irritation radiating off of Jane, also the gradual tightening of Jane's hand holding her's, but it's not enough to make Maura cut off Lafayette. To be honest Maura is enjoying how the man is speaking to Jane. Perhaps Maura will feel guilty later but as of now she isn't conflicted. It was a long seven seasons and now it's been a long night.

"You know on my show they had me findin' Jesus regularly but in the nekkid Latin boyfriend biblical sense." Lafayette smirks and takes a step closer to Jane. Maura chuckles lowly and runs her thumb along Jane's hand in her's. "Then I gots me a slice of James foe it was all did and done. And you I'm sad that you didn't get a whiff from Miss Maura on your lil' subtexty show. All those fugly beards. Shit, I wouldn't do any of em' with someone else's wrapped dick."

Maura laughs; she can't help it this time. Maura has watched more than a fair amount of TV since her time here. 'True Blood' was one of those shows that she eventually found. The only redeeming feature she found in it was Lafayette and the overt sexuality for ratings. Maura will always be fascinated by human sexuality. How a man's can be just as fluid as a woman's and how social conditioning teaches that heterosexual is the accepted standard.

Jane scoffs, "Well lucky me that I didn't do any of the losers on my show either. Most men don't know how to satisfy a woman anyway. All they wanna do is put it in until they squirt. But you know what I'm curious now...so tell me do gay men believe in that pounding away shit too?"

Lafayette has been waiting for the tall brown-eyed heartbreaker with her low tones to lay it to him. He's been laying it to her trying to get a snap, a bite and hell yeah crackle out of her. Lafayette has done his share of laying nice hard pipe to the fellas but that fast jackhammering away, well he only does when time ain't on his side. I mean why rush unless the goods have gone bad?

"What, you think a gay man couldn't give it to you? And by that I don't mean showing you what a fucking great dicking feels like. I do know all about that cause you see I always do the pushin' and they's take the shovin'." Lafayette shoots Jane a satisfied grin and runs his fingers across the brim of his fedora. "A nice hard cock feels good until it leaves a mess all up in you that can leave you in the family way. Dat's why being a man like me I ain't got to worry about birthing no babies when I'm with a man unlike you."

Lafayette briefly glances down at little hand-holding deal. They're so gone on each other that all you can see is the dust trail, "So I get why family members like yourself; ladies loving other ladies, and that theys love hands and toys if theys feelin' frisky. And let me tell you honey that I can use my hands too. I can give you two in the pink and one in the stink like any other bitch and have you all twisted over me."

Jane's eyes go wide and her face can't decide which way to contort. Meanwhile, Maura can't keep from laughing and Lafayette claps his hands together and then starts laughing too. Jane feels like the widest horse's ass on parade and Jane lets Maura's hand slip out of her's. Jane's not mad but damn if she's gonna hold hands while Maura's laughing at her expense. It seems like Maura laughs harder at Jane's little petulant act.

Eventually Maura's and Lafayette's laughter peters out and Jane takes notice of two attractive women stepping up to Steve's booth. The drawer slides out and both women pay and then with another retreat and surrender of Steve's drawer they reach in and pull out two red stickers. Both women then take turns sticking them on each other. Most interestingly the blonde woman slaps the brunette woman's hands away from her boobs. Jane laughs after hearing the blonde woman tell the brunette woman: 'Hands off, Lunchbox'.

Jane doesn't get the nickname since the brunette is far from fat. She is kinda rockin' the sexy librarian thing with her black-rimmed glasses. The two stickered-up women move towards Jane, Maura and Lafayette. The blonde woman shoots a glare at Lafayette who just chuckles under his breath in return. The entry door buzzes and the two women step into the threshold lit up in neon whore red.

Lafayette scoffs, "And to think on my show, in the first goddamn episode the waitresses at the grill tried to tell me not everyone is gay. Bitch please! If any of those ho's were beloved in any way they would be able to see how dead fucking wrong they are. Cause there goes another pair of ladies who get nekkid together. One happy medical examiner and her cop."

Jane's eyebrows creep up high on her forehead, "Oh, yeah and who were they?"

"See the blondie one is the cop, her name is Gail Peck and the tall brunette is Dr. Holly Stewart. The show was 'Rookie Blue'." Lafayette grins and takes off his fedora and then fans himself with it before putting it back on again. "I swear both of them ladies got a mouth on them; snark, banter and lots of tongue wrestlin' in between. Peck owes me a drink and I aim to collect."

The sliding metal doors close off the view of Gail and Holly. Jane is going to look into 'Rookie Blue' because why not? It could be worth the watch if Peck is that snarky and other things might be alright too.

"How come you haven't introduced me to Dr. Stewart, Lafayette?" Maura isn't going to pout at one of her newest friends but the question is worth asking. "I've seen those two women in 'The Poison Apple' before but never with you."

Lafayette steps towards Maura, reaches for her hand and then lays a light kiss on her knuckles, "I sincerely apologize, Miss Maura. Another night then? You and Stewart have lots in common other than the playing doctor thang. But so you know Peck is the jealous type even if she knows you got a woman too. Peck is all drama and her game ain't too bad either."

"Game? I didn't know they're doing games in the bar?"

Jane has been more than content out of the spotlight but shit if Maura's basic cluelessness on slang doesn't make her chuckle, "He's not talking about board games, Maura."

"Oh, then what am I not understanding?"

Lafayette pats Maura's hand with his before gently letting go, "Having 'game' means how good you are at attracting honey's."

"Honey's?"

Jane groans, "Women, Maur. Or in Lafayette's case men."

"Yes indeedy I feed the needy and I gots all the game." Lafayette smiles and brushes his hands down the front of his suit. "And I can't wait until that 'Game of Thrones' wild bunch shows up here. They nothing but power hungry nekkid people like some others I know but without the fangs. There's sure gonna be even moe fuckin' in the bathrooms dats foe sho'."

A loud laugh slips out of Jane and Lafayette grins at her, "Ain't no pussy or the other south side gonna be safe when those cats walk into the bar neither!"

Maura smiles brightly at her new well-dressed friend and at her dearest and oldest friend. Jane is rough around the edges but maybe now it's time for those edges to be smoothed off to a degree.

But then their little moment is broken up by Steve's voice coming through the booth's speaker, "You call me a motherfucker one more time and I'm going to come out of this booth and show you what's up, bitch!"

Jane leans to the side and looks around Lafayette to spot a man standing in a long black duster in front of the booth. The man looks to be about the same height as Lafayette and Jane too. For a second Jane thinks that this small place outside is like a waiting room at one of those health clinics where you pay in cash. Emphasis on the whole 'like a clinic' part.

The side of the man's mouth standing in front of Steve's booth twitches a little, "Red rover, red rover jump over the fence you lazy ass muthafucka!"

Steve growls through the speaker, "Pay me, Omar!"

Lafayette chuckles and snaps his fingers, "You tell him, Stevie! Bitch better have my money!"

The man in the long black coat sticks his hand in one of his coat pockets and then throws some money into the open drawer. The drawer is roughly pulled in and then within a few seconds the drawer roughly slides back out. Jane doesn't have to be a detective to know that this man is going to be green. And sure enough she watches the man peal with backing off and then slaps the green sticker on the sleeve of his coat high on his bicep.

"I've never seen that man before." Maura says as she moves to stand beside Lafayette. "Do you know him by any chance?"

Jane is willing to stick her nose where it doesn't necessarily belongs for Maura's sake. The man in the long black coat steps away from the booth and walks towards them. Maura might not know who the man is but Jane does to a point. Jane didn't watch every episode of 'The Wire' but she knows that Omar Little is the type of man she would've been after with a gun on her show. That is if 'Rizzoli & Isles' had been a bit more hardcore and less tripping over redundant love interests between silly cases every time you turn around.

"I do indeed know him, Miss Maura." Lafayette says as the man in the long black coat moves by them. "Hey there playa. Don't pretend you're just gonna walk on by Omar Little. You know I don't care that your name is Little cause you and I both know you ain't. Plus you know I likes a big man."

Maura is stunned for a second but then she smiles as does this Omar that Lafayette apparently knows extremely well. Omar stops in his tracks and slowly turns to face them. Maura finds that Omar is a very striking man on closer inspection and furthermore Maura thinks that the scar on his face makes him rather attractive in a roguish way.

Lafayette steps closer to Omar and gives him a slow once-over, "You gonna sing for me tonight? Cause I love it when you whistle 'Farmer in the Dell'. It's like a gay thug mating call."

Omar laughs lowly and then reaches out and adjusts Lafayette's fedora so it sits on a tilt more. Omar then smoothes his hands down the lapels of Lafayette's blazer.

"You lookin' fine tonight." Omar's voice is deeper but he has that same gait to his speech pattern as Lafayette minus the southern tinge. "You do that for me?"

"Maybe." Lafayette grins and briefly touches Omar's face. "But let's say I did, you goin' give it to me so good later that I won't be able to sit right foe a spell?"

Omar smiles and shakes his head, "You too much sometimes but I can work with that."

"You better."

And with that Omar winks at Lafayette and nods to Jane and Maura before he turns and heads to the sliding doors which buzz open for him. Jane is running out of ways to describe the over the top red lighting that just floods out when those doors open. Omar stands in the doorway staring at Lafayette with what Jane would call a hungry twinkle in his eye.

"Phew damn! I'm suddenly thirsty as a hell." Lafayette fans himself with his hand this time. "I'm gonna head on in and have a #106 which sounds too right to ever be wrong on Peck's dime. And after that I'm finna saddle up and ride tonight. Hm, mm."

Jane smirks and shakes her head at the man who is more crass, crude and rude than Jane will ever be. But Jane will admit that Lafayette can get away with it and look better doing it than she ever could. But that's all surface for Lafayette because Jane knows the man has heart too otherwise he wouldn't be here in this place.

"Good evening to you, Miss Maura. Until we meet again." Lafayette says which bumps Jane out of her head. "And you, you fine sexy skinny ho you be good to Miss Maura. It ain't no sin Jane Rizzoli to get down on your knees to do sumthin' other than pray if it's foe someone you love."

Jane blushes and is instantly reminded of her sarcastic as hell offer to Maura from earlier about getting down on her knees and eating Maura out until she tells her to stop. But that image changes thanks to the shade Lafayette tacked on and it's that glimpse of Lafayette's heart that Jane was just thinking about.

Jane reaches for Maura's hand and playfully glares at Lafayette, "Bye Felicia."

"Oh snap, honey!" Lafayette rears back and grins. "I like you."

Maura chuckles while Lafayette turns on his heel and moves towards the sliding doors and joins Omar. Maura leads Jane away from the little alcove as it were. Maura isn't nervous about what happens next for them. Hopefully, Jane will stay with her. It feels strange to be taking Jane anywhere for a change. But then again Maura is fully aware that Jane is what is called 'whipped'. Maura's not so inept that she's not familiar with that expression not after her exposure here. And now she can add another definition of what having 'game' is to her growing list.

"Shit! You're driving the Aston Martin you got as a rental on the show!"

"Yes!" Maura beams at Jane and shimmies her shoulders. "And I was so excited when I saw it as tonight's option."

"Yeah, lucky you."

There it is again Maura thinks. It's in Jane's voice; a despondency which is unlike her unless you factored in how she behaved where Casey Jones was involved. Maura has always seen Jane's erratically altered behavior in regards to Casey as sheer character destruction. Maura always behaved like herself regardless of who her love interest on the show was at the time.

"Alright, I've had enough." Maura keeps a firm hold on Jane's hand for no other reason than to keep them both from flying apart. "What's wrong and please don't crack a joke or deflect in any of your other means."

Jane inhales slowly, "I already said it once before Lafayette crashed the gate. Then you seemed to think it was funny as hell when he was standing there trying to get my goat."

"Jane, you don't have a goat. Well, I mean you could have one or more here but..."

"Oh, for the love of a portable Jesus statue! It's an expression!" Jane's incredulous expression is priceless and Maura reigns in her smile. "I don't want a smelly old goat pissing on everything and its face every time I turn around! God, Maura!"

Maura smirks, "Ha! I got you. I knew what you were implying but I just had to pretend that I didn't for old time's sake. Plus, I had to show you what it feels like when someone makes a joke when they shouldn't."

Jane pouts for a moment but then shrugs, "So are we having sex tonight or not? You've been wanting, waiting while I've been my standard issue aloof-asshole self. And everyone thinks we need to throw the status quo out the window already."

Maura lets go of Jane's hand and takes the few remaining steps to the Aston Martin and climbs into the driver's side. Maura takes a deep breath and places both hands on the steering wheel and after less than a minute the passenger door opens and Jane gets in. Jane gently shuts the door and then just kind of quietly sits there as if one wrong move is all that's between her and being tossed out of the car.

"I guess asking to drive is still a no go, huh?" Jane says as she reaches for her seatbelt and then clicks it closed. "Only now you can't say it's because I'm not covered to drive." Jane tries for a dry laugh but it falls flat in the silence. "What no scarf this time around?"

Maura stalls for another few seconds and then presses the red start/stop engine button. The Aston Martin hum-roars to life; its rpm's climb and then swiftly levels out. Maura loves this car even though this is only her second time in the vehicle. The chime for the seatbelt continues to sound and Maura reaches behind her, pulls the seatbelt across her lap and clicks it.

Jane sighs, "Look...I'm sorry, again."

Maura doesn't say anything just switches the car into a forward gear and pulls away from the curb with a quickening pace. Jane kind of braces her feet on the firewall and grasps the door pull in her right hand while Maura takes a curve like she's trying to keep Danica Patrick from passing her high on the inside. Jane grits her teeth; she really should know better by now than to condescend, patronize, upset or generally piss off Maura Isles.

"I guess getting pulled over isn't something we gotta worry about?"

Maura clicks the upshift paddle on the steering wheel, "No."

Maura takes another turn at speed and Jane grits her teeth again to keep from digging an even deeper hole than she is already in with Maura with commentary. There isn't any real scenery that Jane can see but the streetlights whipping by overhead every so often. It isn't even cold with the top down.

"So no real law in this lawless place?"

"Correct."

As Maura drives she waits for that innate instinct to guide her home in this place. On further in-depth reflection Maura has likened this new predilection of her's to that of a homing pigeon. Maura believes that this ever changing environment (that Jane isn't fully aware of yet) has imbued her with magnetoreception that is present in homing pigeons.

Simply put this sensory modality, which is used by a range of animals for orientation and navigation, allows an organism to perceive and detect magnetic fields. This conclusion wasn't difficult to discern since Maura recognized a pull, if you will, to locations at certain times. Maura knows that she's headed home; she could even drive with her eyes closed and get there just as effectively.

"Hey, it's your condo and just in time. I think I can taste my stomach Speed Racer." Jane licks her lips and marginally relaxes in her seat at the familiar setting. "I remember coming up to your door that night; eating my hair in the strong breezes, and then there you were all dressed for your close-up and I'm no Mr. DeMille."

Maura thinks it would be so easy to laugh it off; like they did on the show enough about instances that weren't laughable in the slightest. It's certainly what Jane prefers but Maura isn't going to make this easy for Jane's sake at this juncture in their evolving relationship. Maura pulls to a stop in her designated parking spot and kills the engine on the Aston Martin.

Jane kind of sits there still strapped in as she watches Maura unfasten her seatbelt and then get out of the car without saying a word. Jane growls under her breath and quickly undo's her seatbelt and gets out of the car. It's time for some hot pursuit but now it's Jane's turn to be the chaser. The only shit part is Jane is metaphorically driving in the doghouse.

Maura unlocks the front door, switches on the lights and then strides into her kitchen that is only for decorative purposes which is fitting since that was its sole function on the show. Maura doesn't bother with worrying if Jane is coming in or not. Jane has no place to go yet whether she knows it or not. Maura balances on one foot and then steps out of her heels one after another. This makes her that much shorter than Jane but as much as she is loath to admit it even the most fabulous heels start to feel unkind to her feet even in this place.

Jane closes and locks the front door behind her. For a few seconds she stalls, leans back against the wooden door and questions everything under the sun. Jane rolls her eyes and grumbles under breath about her weird-ass life and how complicated women really are. For a half second Jane sympathizes with men that are only attracted to women but just in the emotional category. Men do not get a free pass in Jane's book on the physical side since the majority live to put their dick in anywhere they can stick it.

"Jane, you don't have to hide in the foyer." Maura says loudly from the kitchen. "I'm far too irritated with you to even consider intercourse tonight so you don't need to worry about it."

Jane pushes off the front door and swaggers into the kitchen, "Ew, intercourse? Really?" Jane makes a face like her taste buds have encountered something truly offensive. "So that's a no on angry make-up sex then." Maura looks at Jane sternly; she's so not amused but Jane shrugs off the glare. "Fine then, I'm turned off now too by the way you worded it."

A brief, wry grins passes over Maura's lips. Staying irritated at Jane has always been a challenge, "So I do arouse you?"

"Duh, Maura!" Jane's forehead wrinkles while she gestures wildly with both hands. "Yes, you make me wet. There I said it. You can do whatever pirouette, riposte or newly invented nerd-twerk you need to celebrate."

Maura snorts but manages to hold back her smirk, "I don't twerk. But I appreciate you including the proper ballet term and the correct fencing term for a counter strike."

Jane smiles and how could she not? Maura has a particular charm to her even if you ignore her good looks and the classy, sexy way she clothes herself. Jane takes deep cleansing breath while her gaze wanders over the kitchen which is like taking a stroll down amnesia lane. This is only the second time Jane's ever seen it really and all she remembers vividly from back then is seeing Bass for the first time. And how could she forget all the flirty looks, undertones Maura was sending out when she handed Jane a glass of water.

"So, before you dragged me out of the bar you said you were tired of waiting and I just...you do realize that we're both virgins right? I didn't actually knock bits with anyone on the show and neither did you."

Both of Maura's eyebrows shoot up. She's impressed that Jane gleaned that facet on her own about their characters which is true. The closest thing to coitus Maura recalls on the show is her jumping on Ian after answering the door and then ending up with him on top of her on the sofa. Fully clothed of course. Sexual relations were then implied since her character showed up at the crime scene with miss-matched shoes. Maura finds that to be an unbelievably tacky additional detail.

"If I'm to read between the lines I'm to assume that your main issue is that you're uneasy about having relations with me due to your virginity and mine?"

Jane chucks off her blazer and tosses it on the countertop, "You said that you love me, that you're in love with me. And to me that means a lot more than just getting off together."

"So you've been defensive because you believe that I've reduced those two major truths since I desire to have sex with you right away." Maura moves to stand closely in front of Jane and she watches dark brown eyes go a shade deeper. "Or more accurately I did want to have sex with you right away."

"So you don't...want to...you know have sex with me tonight?"

Maura reaches up and pushes some of Jane's curls behind her ear, "You're not ready even if I wasn't still annoyed with you."

Jane is relieved to a point. Not that she doesn't want Maura or to get naked with her in a bed eventually, but at the heart of being elusive there is a real fear. Because real person or fictional character Jane will never be the type of woman who goes: 'Ooh, la, la. Is that the bed? It is! Well then I guess I better get on it, so you can get on me.' Jane smirks in spite of herself and then leans in to give Maura a quick peck on the lips which leaves a certain special lady slack-jawed.

"So two questions?"

"Go ahead, Jane."

"Are you making me sleep in the doghouse otherwise known as your sofa?"

Maura grins, "And the second question."

"Is my favorite turtle here too?"

Maura doesn't correct Jane on Bass this time since she knows that Jane's mispronunciation scheme is nothing but thinly veiled flirtation. Instead of words Maura goes up on her tip-toes and kisses Jane with more intent. Jane's bottom lip was crying out for attention and Maura gives it it's just due before slowly tugging on it and then pulling back.

"You may sleep with me." Maura breathes out lowly and Jane visibly shivers at the sensations that their kiss left behind. "And you might see Bass at some point. I saw him at my house a few days ago so to speak. When I woke up here in my condo he wasn't present but who's to say what tomorrow will bring?"

"See, its shit like that scares me." Jane lightly clears her throat. "The not knowing."

"And how is that any different from what happens generally in life as we identify it?"

Jane sighs and timidly places her hands on Maura's hips, "It's not when you put it like that."

"Don't worry so much, Jane. My life has never been easier. And now that you're here perhaps everyday can be an adventure that will leave us breathless but in only the best ways."

Jane laughs and pulls Maura into a hug. She really didn't hug her very best friend enough on the show. The writer's probably thought it was too gay and they had better things to say like the whole baiting shtick and beards, beards, beards.

"I promise to put out for you soon, Maur." Jane smiles and places a kiss on Maura's forehead while her hands slide lower to rest on Maura's hips. Of course she's going to make a joke since it's the only way Jane is ever going to roll. "No complaints, no bitching, no renewing my membership hourly to Assholes R' Us club." Maura chuckles but then she pinches Jane's side and Jane pulls away slightly from their embrace. "Oww, dammit! That hurt you little..."

Maura angles her neck back to look up at Jane, "What were you going to call me?"

"Nothing." Jane says as she gives Maura her best lop-sided smirk and then slowly moves her hands off Maura's hips. Jane holds eye contact as she reaches up and pops a button open on her shirt. "Now are we crashing on your bed or are we going to the guestroom? You know so you can confirm that back then when you crawled in bed with me it really was your way of saying that you are attracted to me."

Maura laughs, "I believe I've made myself transparent on that issue." Maura turns away from Jane and heads towards the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. Jane is caught up in the sway of Maura's hips in that damn tight blue dress. "But if you're afraid to retire to the master bedroom with me I understand."

The smirk falls off of Jane's face. Oh it's on now if Maura's going to play like that. Jane takes off after Maura down the hallway and as Jane catches up Maura emits a kind of squeal that is not unlike the one she let out when Jane told her on the show that she was coming to Paris too. Jane takes a second to think about what they would be like, together as a couple, living it up in the city of lights.

* * *

 **Soundtrack: "Fever" by Lady Gaga**


	6. 6 Underground

_**#6 Underground**_

* * *

Jane jerks awake and the realization of being in a strange bed hits like having two cups of coffee, one after another. Or like a chain smoker lights their next one off the last one nearly burned to the filter. She slowly blinks to will in some light but there's nothing except the almost quiet darkness. The stillness is being repeatedly broken by slow, even breaths on her very bare right shoulder.

Jane's in bed with Maura or she damn well better be considering how her life is going to be from now on. Jane starts to groan when her memory fills in the blanks but she stifles it in spite of recent observations and consideration of Maura's coma-state. First the wacky beer bar, then all the rest of it comes back to her, but the part that suddenly doesn't add up is why the fuck is she naked in bed now?

There was nothing resembling getting their nakedness on together when they went to bed. Maura was still put out that Jane didn't want to put out to be honest. It would appear that Jane isn't as elastic as she thought she was. It's going to actually take time to bounce back from finding out that she is a fictional character wearing some Hollywood actresses face, junk and so called character development.

Thinking of actresses and their junk that's one thing Jane could never understand about agreeing to do a nude scene. And honestly, to dick with the money at a certain point because no matter what kind of character you're playing that's still your junk up there for all to see. Then there's the way all the shows on TV have been doing sex scenes left, right and this end up. Then there's the incest, rape and it's like the world isn't ugly enough in real life that people want it in fiction too.

Jane sighs under her breath and tries not to move too much since she can now acknowledge that she has Maura's very nice soft, firm tit pressing against her bicep. The pointy nipple even rubs up and down every time Maura breathes and Jane is certain that little scrap of friction is what has it so damn perky. Jane opens her eyes and yep it's still dark as a cave at night which is stupid but how the else can you describe it? Other than to say that if Jane stuck her hand in front of her face she wouldn't be able to see it.

Jane rolls her eyes; so this is life after syndication and cancellation? Is this how the adventure starts that everyone at the bar and Maura hinted around? Are they even in Maura's bed anymore? Jane highly doubts it and she's not about to get up and prance around bare-assed to find out. Jane quietly sighs as Maura's nipple grazes against her skin again. Jane really hopes that their first time isn't some implanted memory, since they're both currently naked, because that's some bullshit. As scary as the thought is Jane wants to 'D.I.Y' with Maura eventually.

"Jane?" Maura stirs and her voice has that sleepy-dried out sound. Jane contractually grins at the sound of it and the following elongated pause. "Why am I missing the garments I was wearing when we went to bed?"

"Beats me. I'm naked as a jay-bird too. And not to sound unkind but could you maybe stop rubbing your nipple against my arm?"

Even in the darkness Maura rears back slightly but not that much, "Do my bare breasts offend you?"

"It's too soon to tell since I haven't seen them yet." Jane grits out because this next level weird lights out shit is going on for too long. Plus, sarcastic humor is her sword and shield. "And it's not like you're trying to force me to breast-feed. However, me and your little stiffy nippy are still close at the moment."

Maura frowns, "Shut up."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me just fine but apparently you are incapable of listening."

"What the hell is your problem now, Maura?"

"You're my problem like you've always been."

Jane gapes in the dark; she deserved that but that doesn't mean she has to like it, "Okay, I get it. You're mad because I didn't want to put out and I still don't even though I'm naked in bed with you."

"Oh for God's sake, Jane! This isn't about putting out! You speak to me sometimes as though I have a one track mind."

Jane wisely keeps her mouth shut. Because is it wrong to say that talking about sex is very popular with this Maura like show Maura. For Jane it's one thing to make jokes about sex but to have to hear about its benefits over and over again. It gets old fast and then it seems like to Jane that Maura doesn't realize all the shit you can catch from someone.

Then there's the simple fact that most people, who aren't slutty rock stars or whorish celebrities, don't want you if you been ridden by more random people than a twenty year old bicycle. Jane gets that logic double time; after your number climbs it just starts to sound gross and pathetic unless you're a paid sex worker or something. Not counting that it's like you've joined the list and slept with every person your partner has been with too.

Jane shivers to get out of her thoughts, "Then what is it about, huh? You know I'm glad that I don't have to listen to my fake Ma telling me to get married and pop out grandkids like it's a reason for living. I swear the woman talked to me like I was somehow missing out on becoming some man's walking-talking human cum sock. And I suppose of all the seasons on our show the one where I was preggers with Casey's baby is my least favorite for that very reason."

"But you weren't actually pregnant like you never really slept with Casey which I think is a very good thing." Maura reluctantly moves away from Jane enough so that her nipple is no longer an apparently uncomfortable issue for Jane. "What's a cumsock?"

Jane scoffs and rolls her eyes, "It's exactly what it sounds like. No clever metaphor at all."

"So you're comparing your body to an actual sock that males use to collect semen while masturbating?"

"They put their hard dick in one and then it collects their jizz when they get off. And like any good cum sock they use it and use it until they get tired of it and then throw it away for a new one. Sound familiar?"

"You're talking about vaginas now aren't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I am Dr. Isles."

"Your use of sarcasm is expected and noted."

Jane smirks in the cave-like darkness. Maura is the proverbial straight man in their little ambiguously gay comedy duo. Seriously, if Jane weren't so busy pretending to be annoyed with Maura's literal-ness she would be laughing her ass off. Jane is one hundred percent sure that Maura would go and get a big head if Jane told her she was funny without trying to be.

"Jane, I do not want you be my human cumsock."

"Stop saying cumsock."

"Why should I? Are you and the words cum and sock mutually exclusive to be only used by you?"

"Look, I'll give you a whole quarter when I'm less naked and moneyed if you'll never say cumsock again from this moment on."

"I know all your defense mechanisms; humor the chief among them, but I was sincere when I said I would never see you as nothing more than sexual gratification. And I trust you'll keep your word about payment."

Jane takes a deep breath and sucks on her upper lip. Maura apparently will always be literal. But hey at least if Jane's lucky she'll never have to hear Maura say cumsock again. It wasn't as much fun as Jane thought it would be hearing Maura talk like that for once. Maura's use of sarcasm was boss though.

"Yeah, I won't forget I'm down a quarter to you. And I'm so relieved too. Thanks for that." Jane wiggles down in the bed. Honestly, she's warm and comfortable to a point. Jane isn't clinging to the bed by one asscheek since Maura isn't a bed hog. "And normally, I would say you don't have the right equipment for that but after what happened in that goddamn bathroom who knows when a wang will sprout on you. I mean it's not like you weren't all gung-ho about having a...oh, wait, what am I saying? You were into having a dick on you. And as a bonus I recall you offering to slip it in me to see if I would enjoy it too."

Jane bites the inside of her cheek to shut her stupid mouth up. If that rant doesn't have Maura rethinking her stance on doing Jane then nothing will. Not that Jane wants Maura to rethink anything. For as much as Jane's being an asshole it feels good to vent, to say all the things that were never said and maybe things that shouldn't have been. But all and all in this stage of Jane's life, such as it is, she's hit 'fuck it'.

But for Maura, well she has had enough, again, "You're such a bitch!"

"True, and don't you forget it, science nerd." Jane smiles. The first time Maura called her a bitch was during their estrangement as the show probably called it. Jane recalls the whole Goldilocks joke she quipped at Maura and Maura's responding lash of calling Jane the 'great unwashed' in Greek. "That is when you're not pulling your devil with a blue dress on thing."

Jane waits for Maura to say something but the room stays quiet. Jane feels like an asshole again. She's well aware that she's doing all on her own but she can't seem to help herself. Jane fidgets with the covers and for a second she misses the feeling of Maura's nipple rubbing on her arm.

"You know I love you, right?"

"Do I?" Maura presses the back of her head into the pillow and takes a deep cleansing breath. It's more stressful in general to be around this version of Jane. "With the way you feel the need to speak it me, and I don't just mean tonight, it does leave me wondering. Our usual bantering notwithstanding our new situation, this, is different."

Jane makes a face because so much for cutting back on being a dicktip. But before Jane can shove her other foot in her mouth much more the room starts to shake; like some giant hand just grabbed on and it's not unlike how Jane imagines salt feels. Then there are sudden groans of metal, wood and the hell else they make shit out of in this world. On impulse Jane reaches out and then pulls Maura close to her while wondering if fictional characters can die in a blackout earthquake.

To hell with worrying about the naked part, boobs on boobs deal. But then no sooner than Jane adjusts to all of Maura's feminine curves on her, Jane then feels what is a tiny patch of the 'wiry hairs that grows down on the lips of the sticky south' on her thigh. And fuck there's something wet to go along with it. Jane gulps; Maura is horny for her. And as of now Jane is sort of denying feeling evidence of the lady version of raging hard wood. Hello, Ladyboner.

"J-Jane, what was the last thing you thought of before we fell asleep?"

"Obviously, it was I wonder what it would be like being naked in bed with you after we took turns giving each other dutch ovens."

Jane grits her teeth as the room shakes harder; she didn't think her snark through. Now she will have to explain farting under the covers to Maura of all people. Jane decides that maybe she should look in to getting a filter installed or maybe a ball-gag would be best. Jane pictures herself as the gimp from 'Pulp Fiction' minus all the latex though. On second thought a bright red ball-gag isn't a good look for her since it made Marsellus Wallace look like a real unwilling bitch.

Jane quickly unclenches her jaw and licks her lips, "I kept thinking about what, um...about what we would look like in Paris."

Maura considers asking Jane what a dutch oven is but since it was said as a sarcastic rejoinder Maura decides that question can wait in favor of the real answer Jane grudgingly offered.

"This place isn't like the life we knew." Maura runs her hand over the length of Jane's chest and then lets it rest on a pronounced collarbone. "The life characters live on television or even the life people live in the real world if there is such a thing." Maura dares herself to let her lips graze the skin on Jane's shoulder; just one light kiss. "This place is like living a life fantastic as Helena explained it to me. Our time together will be random, wondrous and beyond our control except when we will inevitably find ourselves back at 'The Poison Apple' or 'Rack and Return' for example."

"Excuse me?" Jane's voice goes up right along with her eyebrows. "Do what with a rack now?"

"The wine bar I frequent is called: 'Rack and Return'."

Jane rubs her hands over her face and yeah she can't see them, "I've got to see this place. But do tell; is the Cabernet chalky like at the 'Dirty Robber'?"

Maura frowns in the pitch black room which stops shaking as abruptly as it started. Nothing has gone like Maura had hoped it would go with Jane. It seems that Jane on the show and Jane here in this fictional limbo aren't that different save for the fact that Maura finally was able to kiss her twice. Maura sighs and shifts away from Jane; her nipple is painfully hard and the rest of her is exhibiting fresh arousal too after being held by Jane.

"Look, I'm sorry." Jane blurts out at the feeling of Maura pulling away from her. "All I keep thinking about, when you're not in my thoughts, is that my made-up life was about throwing myself at everything with a certain arrogance that makes me cringe when I think about it."

Maura is silently inclined to agree with Jane's assessment of her character's personality that was crafted and Jane was forced to comply but not anymore. However, behavioral conditioning does exist no matter who you are.

"And don't even get me started on my love interests since we've established yours were no less than explosive diarrhea too." Jane sighs heavily and drops her arms to her sides, pinning the sheet down tightly to her body. "The absolute worst is how we both acted like we've loved the shit sandwiches we were being served."

"Do you need to purge more or are you finished?" Maura chuckles at Jane's continuous use of fecal metaphors. "I agree though. But its worth pointing out that my character remained the same in personality while your character was modified to be more desirable to your male love interests."

"You're right about that." Jane is going to let Maura's analysis of her character around men slide since it's true. Protesting that scrap of knowledge would be like saying water isn't wet. "And no, I'm probably not done but I'm on my way to being good. I promise."

Maura smiles and folds her hands on her chest. She would like nothing more than to hold Jane but that seems to be asking too much and they're still quite naked which Jane has made perfectly clear that she's uncomfortable with. Maura on the other hand is more than fine. It's Jane after all. But had she woken up, sans her clothes, with someone else Maura would have been very upset and frightened.

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"What's a dutch oven? I'm asking since I know you weren't referring to the cookware that's commonly called such."

"Oh God!" Jane groans and she can feel the whine bubbling up in her throat. "No please, Maur! I'll shut my filthy mouth up from here on out if you don't make me explain that kind of a dutch oven to you."

Maura pauses to consider how best to antagonize Jane, "Is it sexual? Kinky? Do you have that kink?"

Jane growls as she grabs the pillow out from under her head sits up and then swings it to her side in Maura's general direction. The pillow hits something and Jane rears back for another hit. The pillow is caught and pulled out of Jane's grasp. Maura is laughing. Jane pulls the pillow out of Maura's grasp and attempts to swat Maura with it again. As Jane prepares for her next swing she feels a hand graze her stomach and then there are slim, agile fingers on her nipple followed by a sharp pinch.

"Ow!" Jane tosses her pillow out into the dark room and shoves Maura's little twisting fingers off her nipple. Jane isn't mad, not really, but it fucking smarts and Jane isn't into pain when she's naked. "Goddammit, Maura!"

Jane's light slap is muffled by the thin sheet. The dark hides Maura's grin but it doesn't mask the low throaty chuckle that builds into a full laugh that fills the empty space. Jane ends up laughing too until the joke runs its course and there's a pause. The only sounds in the room are their combined breathing and the occasional ruffle of one of them shifting on the bed.

An epiphany hits Jane in a subtle way, "You know the signs were all there, Maur."

"Signs?"

Jane walked into that one so to speak. Jane would have to brand herself a dufus if she actually put it past Maura, even after all these years of high levels of sarcastic exposure that she could possibly be thinking that Jane means literal signs to an extent. Jane takes the prompt regardless of the unspoken intent and plows forward.

"If I were a real person I would have some serious PTSD thanks to all the shit that happened to me on the show." Jane looks down at her hands and even without being able to see them she's aware of her scars. "You wouldn't be too far behind either in that department."

The theory is sound and Maura thinks back on the beginning and everything else that technically didn't happen. But their beginning; Hoyt and Jane's first love interest, Agent Gabriel Dean.

"I hated Agent Dean as much as you hated Ian. But if I'm to be completely candid it's fair to say I hated all your love interests simply on the principal that they were all lacking. Casey was the worse though."

Maura sees no point in rehashing all of Casey Jones many defects or let his memory disturb her, simply due to the fact that the man doesn't exist, he never will and he certainly won't be showing up here. Unless of course the actor becomes a beloved character on another show. Maura can't fathom that ever being an issue though.

Jane clears her throat, "Agent Dean and then at the end Cameron. God, I can still recite those damn lines word for word from the show too. But I think the only bad part was when I suggested that we both show Agent Dean our jugs. Shit, I made it sound like one of us needed to be doing him as some kind of damn public service obligation."

Maura understands Jane's logic and metaphor. However, equating sexually satisfying Gabriel Dean to perhaps recycling or not littering, in terms of things that are considered a public service, is rather clever and on par with Jane's brand of humor.

"You did."

"Like that was something I actually need to worry about; you know if he's getting off or not."

Maura's chuckle is but a low murmur as she places one hand behind her head. She smiles when she realizes that she's mimicking her pose from seven years ago on that bed. The only exception being hers and Jane's state of undress.

Jane sighs loudly, "Maybe I should test and see if this room works off the clapper?" Jane fidgets under the covers and her movement jostles the bed slightly. "You know this is kinda like the lights off version of our whole: 'are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me that you're attracted to me' spiel."

Maura laughs again, "I believe that question is moot now. Since I've more than made myself clear that I am attracted to you."

Jane blushes and wishes she had night vision goggles or something useful but no less than a few seconds later the room floods with light. Jane is blind for a few seconds. Jane shields her eyes with her hand even though Jane's seeing spots fade in and out. Jane's eyes adjust and she catches sight of Maura shielding her eyes too. But then two long shadows line the freshly revealed doorway. Jane moves to grab for a gun on the nightstand but there isn't anything. Her hand just finds air and Jane almost rolls off the side of the bed.

"Put some clothes on if you please. There should be attire in the closet." Helena's smooth accented voice fills the room as her eyes glance over the newly reunited couple on the bed. The one who is not Maura is doing a remarkable job in trying to protect their modesty. Myka steps up beside HG in the threshold of the doorway. "I see that Jane has curly hair like you, darling."

Myka's eyes scan over dark-haired woman sitting or rather hiding in the bed, "I keep mine much neater though."

"That you do."

Jane narrows her eyes and frowns, "Hey, who the hell are you two?"

"Jane, meet Helena and Myka." Maura supplies helpfully as she emerges from underneath the sheet, stretches and then without pause moves for the closet on the other side of the bedroom. "I wonder what wardrobe choices I'll have to make due with."

"Shit Maura." Jane watches her best friend casually walk over the closet, open it and just stand in the open doorway. Bare-assed all the way. "Are you just going to parade around in front of them with no clothes on?"

Maura turns around to face Jane, "What are the other options that I failed to see exactly when we currently have no clothes to speak of? And furthermore only females are present thus we all have the same anatomy."

Jane looks away from the full frontal Maura is giving her and the whole room, "So good of you to point out the obvious. But gee, I don't know. How about using a sheet to cover yourself? You can even pretend it's a pre-blah, blah toga."

Helena places her hand over her mouth to keep her mirth from becoming too apparent. It would appear that Maura's Jane is quite shy, defensive and decidedly sarcastic. But all in all their bickering is rather fun to witness. Helena glances at Myka to see that she's having a similar reaction to Jane and Maura's antics. Helena can appreciate Maura's open nature but the skin on display does nothing for her. Helena has Myka; who is her One.

"Ladies, if you please?" Helena says playfully while affording a wink at Myka who blushes. Helena adores that her beloved remains so responsive to her overtures at any given time. "The quicker you clothe yourself the faster we may leave this construct."

Jane turns her head to really glare at the well-spoken and very British sounding woman standing in the newly fashioned doorway. And then Jane notices something very distinct. This HG she has heard about from Pete and Maura more than few times now; well the both of them left out a detail, and that detail is who looks like that? Jane's eyes widen and it's suddenly like she can barely keep from looking at the woman.

Helena Wells is an insanely gorgeous woman and with that accent it's just that much more unfair. Jane's never noticed another woman besides Maura before but now Jane's landscape has been permanently changed. And no Jane doesn't count the bit from the show where she made fun of her former BFF from school that sprouted some seriously grand tetons.

Thinking of tits Jane realizes that her nipples are getting hard while other areas are doing their thing. Jane grumbles under breath and pulls the sheet tight to her chest while her eyes run over Helena again. Damn, Beckett doesn't hold a candle to Helena. Maura clears her throat and Jane startles even as she feels her face get hot.

Jane's not even been with one particular woman and yet her eyes are already wandering over other women. Jane tears her eyes away from the lithe woman with enticing dark eyes and shining black hair to her best friend who thankfully is (or not depending on who you ask) not boobs and front butt out anymore. Jane grins sheepishly and shrugs. Whatever happens next is bound to be the last thing Jane would ever think to expect.

* * *

 **Soundtrack: "Cities in Dust" by Siouxsie and the Banshees**


	7. 7 Minutes to Midnight

_**#7 Minutes to Midnight**_

* * *

"Hey, um...be honest with me." Jane adjusts the admittedly well-fitting jacket that in her opinion looks like the result of some hate-fucking between a trench coat and a poncho. Not to mention she feels like she's dressed to star in a lesbian bodice ripper masterpiece. "Do I look like I'm cosplaying a character from 'Assassin's Creed'?"

Maura gushed over Jane's provided clothing when Jane stepped out of the closet. Whereas Jane kept her commentary on Maura's attire to herself. Jane has long accepted the truth that Maura looks fantastic in anything which now includes leather pants and tall black boots with heels nearly as insane as Maura's usual vices. But Jane's next question died a quiet death when they all stepped out of the non-descript bedroom and straight into a sparring room like the one at Maura's fencing club on the show.

Helena laughs, the corners of her eyes crinkle in genuine mirth, "No more than the rest of us I imagine. Though I don't understand the compliant. I find the clothing rather empowering rather than degrading. And I do hope you don't mind me saying that you look ravishing."

Before Jane can decide whether Helena is flirting with her or just being flirty the demanding clash of crisp, rapid slashes of metal on metal overtakes everything. In this light Jane is willing to admit Maura looks like some swashbuckling wet dream unlike on their show. But regardless of setting for Jane it's impossible to tear her eyes away now. There is no full body thong outfits or headgear on Maura or Myka.

Maura smiles as she advances on Myka. If it weren't for the fact that Myka is completely in love Helena mind, body and soul then Maura thinks that it would be more than appropriate to pursue Myka Bering. The woman is definitely Maura's type physically, and now that Maura's gotten to know Myka, she's also Maura's type personality-wise. And all that's not taking into account Myka's enormous knowledge about everything that matches Maura's which Maura finds just as sexy as everything else about Myka.

Maura has seen Helena's and Myka's story on television and she would never get in the way of what they have now. And Maura hasn't given up on Jane yet but thus far things haven't been all that inspiring. Jane is just as frustrating as ever. Maura counters an incredibly well-timed parried attack by Myka and moves into a flying lunge which Myka deflects and advances on. Maura will always be impressed by how powerful Myka is physically based on how hard her hits land on Maura's sabre. The visual alone is arresting.

Myka is Jane's height and build and with the short black leather jacket and tight-fitting black pants that accentuate her every curve it's even more enjoyable to fence with Myka again. Maura steps back and lets Myka continue to advance on her until Myka is close enough that Maura can see those lovely green eyes of her's steeped in concentration. Maura finds the whole scenario highly arousing. Maura smiles and pushes Myka back with her sword. Maura is much stronger than one would think.

Jane is fighting to keep her mouth closed. Sure she's seen Maura fence when the show was in its death throes but that was then and this is different. Maura is a sexy badass. Sir Maura Isles to hell yeah and back and then give it to me two more times. The way Maura and Myka are clearly having a ball suggests that this little sparing sessions with sharp pointy objects seems to be foreplay to them. Jane is disturbed by that since Myka is taken and so is Maura even if Jane hasn't sealed the deal.

"This is only their second match." Helena's smooth accented voice cuts in over Jane's thoughts. "Both times before it ended in a draw. Myka is very skilled as is Maura. And she wants to win this match."

Jane scoffs, "At least they aren't dressed like giant tampons. But seriously both of them are those kinds of nerds, huh?"

Helena crosses her arms over her chest, "I'll have you know that not only is Myka extremely capable with a sword but also in hand to hand combat."

Jane already knows Myka Bering is a badass too. Just like Jane can be when she isn't trying to choke herself to death with both feet.

"The only thing that Myka fears is heights but she faces that head-on when placed in a situation where it is unavoidable. Myka is also fluent in many languages besides English; such as French, Greek Russian, Portuguese, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, Spanish and Latin. As am I."

Jane tries to smile while the frequent feeling of being an ass hits, again. She watches after Maura as Helena's praise about her girlfriend washes over her. Jane wonders if Maura will ever talk about her like that. If Maura's voice will take on the same tone as Helena's is now.

"But my absolute favorite detail about Myka is that she has the most adorable snort when I make her laugh." Helena grins as Myka let's loose a loud shout and then advances on Maura again. "Myka was also Pre-Med and Pre-Law before joining the Secret Service. Our show made her no less than an accomplished woman but in the end they diminished her character."

Jane turns to Helena, "How did they diminish her?"

"For the sake of brevity they kept us apart and that is but one of the many trite elements the show touched on. Other than to say at the very end she was unknowingly in love with Pete. And before that they saw fit to give her ovarian cancer in season four and to send me away with no knowledge of Myka's condition with no hint of ever returning."

"A cancer-scare trope?" Jane makes a face. Sure she gawked at Helena for a while but now she's just a new person that Jane's starting to like as a friend. "That's dumb. And let me guess it was all clear in the end so she could make babies with Pete in the happily ever after."

Helena chuckles and relaxes her posture. Jane Rizzoli has an unfortunate habit of saying wrong, spiteful things but at the same time it's not as though she's unredeemable. Helena has watched the show after she and Myka met Maura some time ago.

"An astute observation." Helena turns away from watching Myka and Maura to look squarely at Jane. Dark eyes so like her own are staring back at her. "Shall I provide one of my own on your behalf?"

"Go ahead."

"You were given an opportunity in that room and you squandered it. Maura has been waiting for you and you seem unmoved by that." Helena contemplates touching Jane to ease the sting of her words but she knows that won't be well received. "You are stuck treating her as you always have and if you keep going on as you are then you're going to miss out on your last chance with her."

Jane swallows and looks away. In the background Maura and Myka are still trading blows without breaking a sweat. Myka is fierce and unrelenting while Maura is calculated, graceful and sneaky. Jane thinks that Maura looks really cute with her hair in a low ponytail.

"I know." Jane shrugs and gestures helplessly. "But I also know I just can't fall into a bed with her and go on from there. I mean we're talking about a woman who," Jane stops herself before she paints Maura in an unfavorable light. "I don't know what I'm even doing in this place."

Maura goes on the attack again leaving Myka no choice but to retreat her most recent advance. Maura knows Myka will not go quietly as the saying goes and neither one of them wants to give the other quarter. Their previous matches were not at this level; now they've both ascertained that the other is a worthy opponent. Maura counter parries Myka's timed slashes until their swords lock and then slide together at the hilt.

"Call it a draw again?"

Myka grins and gradually lowers her sabre, "Sure. Another rematch at a later date?"

"Absolutely."

Maura and Myka place their swords back on the display wall and walk towards the two dark beauties who appear to be having an inclusive conversation since they both seem none the wiser of their match being mutually called a draw. Maura gives Jane another once-over in the fantastic outfit she's wearing. Jane really is an incredibly stunning woman as much as Helena is and it would appear that they've found common ground with one another.

Helena turns away from Jane and smiles at Myka, "I see the contest was another tie. I can't say I'm surprised though."

Myka blushes and bites her lower lip, "You fence too Helena and you've beaten me before."

"That I have, darling."

Jane blows out a loud breath and glances at Maura, "There goes another example of me being the odd one out between the three of you. Maybe I should just go work with Pete at the bar?"

Three very bright minds focus on Jane and the attention makes Jane want to go die in a hole. There's nothing exceptional about Jane and she knows it. Hence the sarcasm and a gun. Jane doesn't speak but one language; she's kick ass at chess, but that's her only awesome nerd trait. Jane isn't going to even acknowledge that Helena is a fictional account of the H.G. Wells. This version of the father of science fiction is very female and gorgeous.

Maura frowns and steps closer to Jane, "Why would you say that?"

Jane's dark eyes dart over to Helena and Myka who are no doubt analyzing the current environment Jane has just laid out an uncomfortable truth. Helena knows what Jane is alluding to and Myka probably is too. Jane didn't see Warehouse Thirteen but it's on her list now. Jane is willing to bet her fake-ass badge that Helena's and Myka's story the an epic one.

Helena clears her throat and Jane is so grateful to her, "I do so enjoy ordering Pete a #15 at every opportunity when I feel his mouth is not nearly occupied enough."

Jane grins and yes she's with Helena on that insult. Pete has no charm and he's barely amusing. As far as Jane can tell (for now) Pete's only real qualities is his enthusiasm and sense of loyalty. Jane's only real reaction to Pete is how much she wanted to punch him which apparently he gets a lot from the women in his life. Steve's probably in the punching Pete club too. How could he not be?

Myka snorts, "Helena thinks that Pete was the brewer's muse for the name of that craft beer."

"Blithering Idiot?" Maura supplies.

Jane rolls her eyes even though she knew the name of the beer too, "Pay no attention to the geek to my left."

"I have an excellent memory too, Jane." Myka says as she crosses her arms over her chest. Jane doesn't feel duly chastised but instead like a warning is being thrown down. "The menu is stupid on purpose since all those beers exist in the world outside of this one as well."

Jane nods and then grins at Helena, "So what's your number at Ye Ole Arsenic Apple Tavern?"

Helena chuckles, "I've become quite fond of #3. Not only for its pleasant citrus and floral aromas but for its name: 'Anti-Hero'."

Maura tilts her head to the side; she's aware that Helena identifies her character as an anti-hero, "That sounds delightful, Helena. I may have to try that beer the next time I'm at the 'Poison Apple'."

Jane places her hands on her hips and directs her attention to the woman still mildly glaring at her, "What about you, Myka?"

"#116 otherwise known as: 'Rebellion Blonde'."

Maura laughs all of the sudden because she recalls the episode where Myka's hair was blonde thanks to Marilyn Monroe's hair brush. That can't be Myka's sole reason for that beer but it is humorous nonetheless.

Myka relaxes her posture and grins at Maura, "You're thinking of that time on my show where I went blonde and feared that I'd slept with Pete aren't you?"

"Yes."

Jane's eyebrows shoot up on her forehead a little, "Really? You've watched their show?"

"What? I can choose to view whatever I please here without an excuse."

"Oh yeah, the whole ethnographic research thing."

Maura simply narrows her eyes and then reaches behind her head and then pulls the hair tie holding her hair in place out. The following head action would be right at home in a shampoo commercial. Jane's eyes take in all in.

Myka clears her throat, "Jane? Can I talk to you for a second?"

Jane nods and steps away from Maura and moves towards a long table pushed near the too white walls. And yeah there's a whole arsenal of swish-swish, clang-clang laid out on the table. Jane runs her finger along the handle of a sword that would be right at home on a pirate. Jane turns to face Myka as she stands a small distance away in front of her.

"Are you going to get all protective on me over Maura too?"

"Do I need to? Or has Helena covered it enough already?"

Jane huffs out a small scoff, "Helena didn't threaten me but she did give me a warning."

"And are you going to listen to her?"

Jane instantly admires Myka. The fake Secret Service Agent is an impressive woman too. Jane likes that Myka is the same height as her and Jane payed enough attention to the fencing display to figure out that Myka Bering is a strong, capable woman.

Jane flashes Myka a quick smile, "If you don't mind me saying but Helena is very attractive and British and how do you keep up with that?"

Myka relaxes and smiles in return briefly, "I don't. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel plain standing next to Helena sometimes. She was written as the female HG Wells; an emotionally tortured time traveling genius with charm to spare. The notion alone is romantic regardless of her gender. But have you seen yourself? Jane no matter how self-deprecating your character was written you are seriously attractive. I know we both are tall and are prone to feeling like gangly ostriches on occasion."

Jane chuckles, "Thank you. I know I'm not too bad to look at but Maura is glamorous and let's face it femme. But tonight or yesterday, whatever. I met Kate Beckett, who had the same job as me on TV, and here she was looking powerful, beautiful and I couldn't believe it when she came over to our booth and started giving me the look."

Myka's green eyes go wide, "Beckett hit on you and you're still having a crisis of confidence!"

"What? She not do that much?"

"No!" Myka's voice climbs in volume to a degree. "It's a well-known fact that the only woman Kate's at all intimate with is Inara and I think that's mostly because of Malcolm."

"Oh." Jane shrugs. So what? She's still never ever, ever, ever, ever having a threesome. It sounds too busy, messy; a lot of work and someone is bound to get left behind. "Eh, I wouldn't know what to do with her any more than I know what to do with Maura."

"But we caught you in post bliss?"

"No you didn't." Jane roughly shoves a hand through her hair and it snags on a thick curl. "We woke up naked and I guess we were supposed to...do it, but I ruined it. Well, I ruined the mood well before that. Word to the wise don't ever piss Maura off."

Myka pulls a face, "I see. So what are you afraid of?"

Jane's jaw drops open a small amount. Okay, so Myka Bering is too damn observant and very caring. Jane's glad Maura found yet another friend.

"Nothing, not really. I just don't understand what Maura sees in me." Jane is aware that she's being self-deprecating again but it's valid question. Rizzles is not built on a foundation like Shoot for example. "You and Helena I get just by being around you. I can tell. And Maura has told me point blank that she loves me but I...what am I supposed to do?"

This is more sharing than Jane's ever done and by the look on Myka's face she wants to hug Jane or something. Jane realizes then that Maura has plenty of friends now and it's no wonder that Maura wants more than what she and Jane had on their show. Jane really needs to move with times even though she'd rather keep up her current pace with Maura.

Myka moves a few inches closer to Jane, "You know Helena outed herself on the show with a nice line that went: 'many of my lovers were men'."

Jane chuckles, "Meaning she also put the moves on the ladies too."

"Yes."

"Maura only dated men on our show. But so did I for that matter."

Myka shrugs and then tugs her tight leather jacket down again, "Take your time then. Both of you. Get used to the idea of just being together before anything else."

Jane silently agrees and spares a glance to Maura and Helena. Maura is standing behind Helena gushing over the cool, long black coat Helena's wearing. Jane caught sight of the back of Helena's coat earlier with its corset style lacing for effect and yeah it's cool and it suits her.

"Question; does Helena mind being called 'HG'?"

Myka's eyes track to Jane's current line of sight, "She's fine with either. Why?"

Jane hums lowly and then licks her lips, "Just wondering I guess."

"No, you're trying to change the subject."

"Guilty." Jane says as Maura's eyes meet and hold her gaze. Maura's responding smile is subtle. "But I am wondering how much of what I feel for Maura is my own or something else."

Jane breaks her lingering stare with Maura but not soon enough. Jane quickly looks away as Maura and Helena approaches like some cultured and sexy smooth criminals in long black coats. Jane yanks on the open front of her coat thingy. It's black and red and if it were black and yellow she would be humming Wiz Khalifa. Maura stops to stand beside Jane and then reaches out to still Jane's hands.

Myka grins at Maura's actions, "Jane, I can't answer your question but in the case of Helena and I the actresses who supplied our physical appearance supported our characters chemistry with one another. They nurtured it on screen even when everything was canted against them." Myka glances at Helena and as always there's an exchange between them that doesn't need words. "And as sad and heart-breaking as it was it was also beautiful. It could've been so much more than a few stolen glances and the only highlight being the actresses coining our ship name on an actual episode themselves."

"So what is it?" Jane gently takes Maura's hand in her's to get Maura to stop going all mom on her without slapping her hands away. Jane instantly recalls the time Maura spit-cleaned her tie. "Your ship name?"

Maura smiles and squeezes Jane's hand in her's. Maura already knows the answer and it sounds like the title of her's and Jane's show. In Maura's opinion there is a tie for worst scenario in which Helena and Myka were kept apart. The Janus Coin ordeal is one and the other being when Helena died in one timeline to save Myka.

An explicitly fond smile takes over Myka's face, "Bering & Wells of course. The damn show over dramatized things and then kept adding more. Tearing us apart over and over again. The executive producer couldn't handle the romance. But if you watch the show it's still there. Us."

Helena reaches up and pushes some of Myka's soft curls behind her ear, "I hate that you had to kiss him on the show too, darling. But mostly I hate that's how the story ended for all to see. I don't understand how they could've gotten it so wrong after you emphatically stated that you'd rather hit Pete with a chair."

Jane snorts and then chuckles. The levity is infectious until an angry sounding metallic buzzing starts coming out of the general vicinity of Helena's coat.

Helena sighs and purses her lips, "It would appear Myka darling, that I'm fitted with a Farnsworth again. And you know what that means."

"Solving puzzles and saving the day time has come again."

"Let's see what all the fuss is about then?" Helena says as she reaches into her coat. The buzzing stops because the Farnsworth sound is just for show. But Helena does remove an old friend from the confines of her coat. "Oh, it's been awhile since I've used this."

Jane's eyebrows arch up on her forehead, "What the hell kind of a gun is that?"

"It's a Tesla but this one is my own design." Helena says to Jane with a sly smile. "Very effective for subduing without being lethal. Though up close it can be deadly."

Maura hasn't seen a Tesla in person before. It seems like such an intelligent design for a weapon. And Helena's looks as elegant as it did on the show. No doubt Jane will appreciate it. Maura isn't a fan of Tasers because fiction or not she did experience the effect of one in the hands of a serial killer. Helena's Grappler is Maura's favorite and it was terribly romantic how she saved Myka with it on their show.

"Hey, can you make me one of those?"

Helena smiles widely and winks, "I believe that I can manage something befitting you."

Maura shakes her head and laughs. Her original assessment of Jane being deceptively complex is as relevant as ever. Maura holds onto Jane's hand a bit tighter for a second. Maura will wait for Jane to be ready; one step at a time. She has already been for some time but what's a little more waiting? Though now it will be better since Jane is by her side and Jane knows where Maura true feelings lie. Finally.

 ** __#END__**

* * *

 **Soundtrack: "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches**

 **Final Words: I could do a sequel but the demand just isn't there for me to want to supply it now. Over the years I've accepted that no matter what characters, the fandom, or whatever else I throw into the mix my efforts will only ever draw a very small audience. So thank you to anyone who read this and to the few that followed. And an extra special helping of gratitude to the few out there that made this slice of weird, odd and out of nowhere story on purpose a personal favorite.**


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